I'm Pregnant!?

Prior to the good news Thursday, it had been a rough week, to say the least.

You haven't really lived until you've stood in line at CVS for a prescription and just started bawling. As I was called up to the counter to get a refil of Mom's anti-nausea pills, I still wasn't able to compose myself and had to respond to their cheery "CVS number?" inquiry through tears. While I feel like I am able to hold it together 99% of the time, and actually find work a welcome distraction, I can't be strong all of the time. No one can. Three nights ago, I actually woke up crying, still very much "in" the dream I was having about Mom dying.

Mom now needs someone with her 24 hours a day. My Dad is with her all day long while we are at work. For 45 years, she has waited on him hand and foot and now he is the one helping her use the bedside commode, fixing her tea, coaxing her to eat. When I get home, I relieve Dad, who has some time to read or watch his Fox News. We encourage him to leave on the weekends, and he usually spends time with my brother. When he's gone, Nate sets his alarm every 4-5 hours through the night to lift her onto the commode. She is spending more and more time sleeping, and cannot sit up by herself or position herself in bed. It is the hardest thing to bear witness to, and it breaks my heart every second of the day.

We placed her on hospice this week. I thought this was our choice, but it wasn't really because home health care was going to run out anyway on the at the end of the month. We need additional help and support for her, probably beyond even what hospice will provide, so we are also looking into hiring someone to come to relieve Dad, especially while we're in DC next weekend for Nathan's brother's wedding.

Her short term memory is not there, and it is hard to even have a conversation with her because she is so weak and tired. I mostly just lay next to her and read, craft or facebook. But there's one thing that she hasn't forgotten about. On Monday she asked me "Did you get...the ... circle?" Realizing that circle was not the word she intended, she said "Ooh!...did you get the..." And I asked "Pregnancy test, Ma?" Yes! That was what she wanted to know. "Not yet, on Friday" I had to tell her. How I hoped we have good news, but feared we would not.

Thursday, I met with a fellow middle school counselor who is also at a 7-12 school for collaboration and to share resources. We decided to meet at Starbucks instead of either of our sites, because uninterrupted meetings are nearly impossible when people know where to find you. Completely off coffee for four days now, I ordered my venti passion fruit ice tea with light ice and no sweetener and the hour flew by.

After our meeting, I went over to CVS and bought a test, to have on hand for morning. But as I was walking back to my Jeep, all that tea was getting to me and I needed to use the restroom. Being in the Starbucks restroom with my test proved to be too tempting. Even though you're supposed to test in the morning when levels are likely to be higher, I could not resist. I set the test down and tried not to look at it for the suggested 2 minutes. I lasted about 5 seconds before I took a peak.

Positive!? There was already a plus sign, and it wasn't faint. I honestly could not believe it. Frantically, I checked the key on the test, afraid a plus sign actually meant the opposite. I sat there and stared at it, smiling like crazy. And then I started taking pictures of it because I was afraid my proof would disappear. I checked the key several more times, to make sure I wasn't misreading it, and walked out of the bathroom, beaming.

Elated, I got in the car and thought of how I was going to tell Nathan. Even though I was already on the drive home, I knew I wouldn't be able to wait until then. I called him right away. "I'm pregnant!" I announced, and he told me not to mess with him. I have been known to, he pointed out, as I had hidden his Mustang on April fool's, leading him to believe it had been stolen. "Nope, I just took a test and it's positive!" He couldn't hide his excitement.

When I got home, I went straight to Mom's bedside. Gently waking her, I waited until Nathan got home, a few minutes after me, so that he could film me telling her the news. It was a much more muted reaction than she normally would have had, but an enthusiastic one nonetheless. After spending some time with her, I had to head back to work for Open House. It was great to see everyone and get the hard-earned congratulations.

Its early days still, and of course I won't be in the clear for another 10 weeks. One in four women miscarry in the first trimester. But even if that were to happen, it is still good that I can get pregnant. I'm soaking all of this up and could not be happier. For now, it's at least a break in the clouds.