I guess I want this to work more than I did last time because it didn't work last time. Our failed attempts have intensified my desire to be pregnant and become a Mom. We've all heard stories about someone who was given a material possession, a car maybe, that they took for granted because they never had to work for it. Even budding relationships work this way, leaving us worried that someone who is readily available has something wrong with them, pursuing instead the one that isn't really interested in us. Within each of us seems to be an innate tendency to appreciate more, and rejoice in, the things that are tough to obtain. When you really work for something, you appreciate it more and conceiving is no different.
This is certainly not to say that if a baby were to drop out the sky the second we wanted one, we wouldn't love it just as much - we certainly would - but, I wouldn't appreciate it, or the struggle, nearly as much as I know I will now. This process has led me to put an increased value on being pregnant and the opportunity to become a Mom. If this works, I will be so much more elated than I would have been if it happened on our honeymoon.
We woke up and got ready for an appointment with Mom's neuro-oncologist, not knowing how many embryos we would have to transfer. Our last update had been the day after they were fertilized, and only two were developing normally. What if we only had one? What if we had...none? The four of us sat in the room discussing taking a break from her intrathecal chemo with Dr. Carrillo, and some concerning new symptoms/confusion. The night before, I was sitting at the kitchen table with Mom when she called out "Megan!" I touched her arm and said "I'm right here, Ma." And she looked at me and called "Megan!" two more times before telling me "She's not listening." It was, and is, absolutely heartbreaking.
Before we knew it, it was time for us to leave for our appointment. We've built a relationship with Dr. Carrillo, and he knew we had made into the trial. I stood up, and explained that Nathan and I needed to leave while Mom and Dad finished the appointment because "We have embryos to transfer!" He was excited for us, and stood up too, thanking me for the blog posting about Sunida that he was mentioned in. Very humbly, he said "Everyone's talking about it" and that it was seen by some really important people, including the CFO of the hospital. Hearing that his boss, and bosses' boss read my posting made me feel so good, because I owe them so much, yet have little I can do to express that gratitude. The time, care and comfort he gives us is invaluable.
Nathan and I set out on the drive to Encino. A little traffic, but not too bad because it was the middle of the day. I was drinking a lot of water to ensure a smooth transfer, and took the Valium they prescribed to make sure I would be relaxed. It was a very small dose and didn't last long but it certainly helped. We checked in, and didn't know how many we had. I had my blood drawn, not knowing how many we had. We sat in the waiting room and the doctor waved hello to us from behind the counter as I tried to decipher what his wave and smile meant. Was it sympathy?
We were called back into the room and sat there in the dim light, still not knowing how many we had when Dr Tourgeman waltzed in. "How are you doing?!" he energetically asked. "I don't know." was my very truthful response. "It all depends on how many we have." He flashed a huge grin and told us that we two healthy embryos that look perfect and are ready to transfer. The other three will be watched over the next few days, and if they do what they're supposed to, they will be frozen. Two aren't dividing, and one is asymmetrical.
|We transferred the two on the left, than the three on the right will be watched.|