Faith, Hope, Gratitude

After three visits to Encino last week (3-4 hours each time), my doctor told me he needed to see me again this morning. I didn't get home from my appointment last night until after 7pm, and since today is Saturday, I was so looking forward to chipping away at my sleep debt. School started Tuesday and under ideal conditions, I would be swamped with schedule changes. But I had to either come in late or leave early three different times, which put me behind. I also caught a horrible cold that I'm still recovering from. Add to that the fact that Mom was still in the hospital up until last night, so each day also included a few hours at her bedside. Of course I wanted to see her, but I also needed to relieve my Dad. Thankfully, my brother came and spent the night with her earlier in the week, allowing Dad to spend one night in a comfortable bed without nurses coming in every few hours. 

Dad has been with her 'round the clock since she was admitted almost three weeks ago. His devotion to her is really shinning through during this time, even though every day is challenging. It is unbelievably hard to see someone you love so dearly need help with ... everything. It absolutely breaks your heart. Helping them isn't the hard part. The hard part is seeing them wanting and trying to do something own their own, but unable to.

Mom's situation has been trying on all of us. While it does help to have the prospect of a baby to focus on, I recently came to terms with the fact that it may not work this time either. At this stage in the game on our first round of IVF, we had 12 follicles (7 were retrieved, and 3 made it to day 3). Right now, we have half as many. 

My doctor counted 8 yesterday, and bumped up my retrieval from Wednesday to Monday because they were growing faster than expected. But today, a different doctor counted only 6. My husband and I were confused about the discrepancy, until he explained that the other two are still there, they're just not large enough. There's a small chance they could catch up by Monday, but it's unlikely.

So how does one come to terms with the prospect of not getting what they desperately want, when they want it? How have I "accepted" that I may get another BFN? That I may not be a Mom this time around?

1. Hope. For the future, for next time. Hope that it will eventually work. I know that if it doesn't work this time, we will try again. Hopefully, we will be able to do the Ivy Study a second or even a third time. I know people who have a child though IVF even though it didn't work the first, second, third,  even fourth times. And, if worse came to worse, we would consider surrogate eggs or adoption. Adoption is something we hope to do someday regardless. So, I have hope that I will be a Mom, its just a question of when and how.
2. Gratitude. I am so thankful for what I have, right here and now. I realized earlier this week that I spent so very long wishing I had a husband. And now, I don't just have any ol' one. Somehow, I managed to wind up with one better than any I could ever dream up! Dear future child reading this: Never settle! Hold out for exactly what you're looking for, and then some. He's really all I need to be happy. Everything else is just icing on the cake.
3. Faith. I don't have as much as I would like, but I have more than I've had in the past. It would be easy to turn away from that right now. But I have been actively trying to cultivate it by reading, praying and going to mass. I realized last week that I had gained some ground when instead of intelligent design seeming unlikely, the idea that all the beauty and pain in life is just random seemed more improbable.  

Even though I'm prepared for it not to work, I am still hopeful it will. I'll update before our embryo transfer on Thursday with how many we retrieved and how the little fellas are developing.

Now, setting my alarm set for 2 am so I can take my trigger shot!