Because the important moments in life just don’t fit in a status update! I started this blog when I was training for my first ½ Ironman, (70.3 miles) to record what I hoped would be growth and progress but ended up being a huge learning experience. Although fitness is one of the key ingredients to a happy life, it certainly isn't the only ingredient. My blog has evolved to document growth, progress and setbacks in other areas too. From my surprise proposal in Rome and wedding in the fall of 2013, to Mom's devastating stage IV cancer diagnosis and death 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. Who knows what shape it will take, but thanks for being along for the ride.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Chasing that Rainbow (Baby)

A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. A rainbow baby brings light, but by no means replaces the angel baby.

We just completed our 4th IVF, which was negative. Our 3rd IVF before that was supposed to be our last, but with a positive pregnancy and all genetic testing coming back normal at 10 weeks along, we thought we were in the clear. We also knew that it was a little girl, and started talking about names. 

The news of no heartbeat at 17 weeks and the words "fetal demise" came as more than a shock, and still hurt. Being pregnant with that little girl allowed us to dream, and to imagine our growing family. To dream of a sibling for Baby A, of a more chaotic household, of another little one to love.

I find myself dreaming of a last, last round and one more shot at a rainbow baby. While even the thought of a pregnancy is exciting to me, I am unsure. Unsure of so many things. The risk, the failure, the additional cost, the relationship between the two, and how that will pan out. After so many failures and the loss, we are both afraid to hope again.



My husband is more pragmatic, and likes to plan for worst-case scenarios, while I'm more of an idealist. He is mostly leaving the decision up to me, and says that he is good with how things are. There is no doubt we want a second, as we did two rounds of IVF after Baby A and were both over-the-moon with my second pregnancy. But when are we done? At what point do we just cut our losses and thank the lord for our perfect little girl? Not all who go through IVF have a baby at the end of it.

My husband says he likes our life how it is and our little family of three. And I do too. I love it so much that I feel another child would only enhance it. This mom-thing doesn't have me feeling overwhelmed or tired (for the most part..we all have our days), mostly it is just a whole lot fun. His reason for us possibly being done is my reason for not being done. I love being a Mom. No, I relish being a Mom. It is my life's mission now.

And another won't make me more of a Mom, but it will give us a fuller house. More excitement at Christmas and the holidays. And, someone to be with her at my funeral. Wait, what? Yes, this is something I think of; who she will have after we're gone. Our family is extremely small. While having a sibling isn't a guaranteed close friend for life, it is at least someone with your shared history and someone you can rely on. Someone to be there for you, through life's joys and sorrows. Someone who knows you really well and loves you unconditionally.

We have some serious introspection and praying to do. I have a consult set up with CNY Fertility in New York for mid-September; their first available. Until then, it's time to enjoy summer, our upcoming trip to Oregon, and our little family of three.

2 comments:

  1. Crazy enough I think of the same thing for Bowen, who will he have when we pass away?? I hope he has his own BIG family by then! haha For us, we are done and just plan to enjoy him and do tons of things together with him. Prayers for you and your family to decide what is best for you and that those prayers are answered no matter what they are :)

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  2. I love your perspective; it seems so very balanced. I think I would wrestle with the exact same thoughts if I were in your shoes. I love how you are going to enjoy life, even this summer, either way. Love, Kj

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