Nothing was particularly special about today when I woke up. Getting over a cold and up a pound on the scale, I decided I should squeeze in a 3 mile run before my doctor's appointment. I managed to get both kids in the stroller without any crying and we were out the door. Usually we listen to The Trolls soundtrack, something we can always agree on. But today, we found ourselves half a mile in without any music.
I've been noticing recently that A gives up a little too easily, without much perseverance. As my father used to do to me (and thankfully still does) I started throwing out some canned motivational phrases such as "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again." Sometimes on a walk, she will complain that her legs are tired and I counter that with an explanation of how being tired or sore makes us stronger.
The targeted advertising in my instagram feed has been particularly on pointe lately, with some company selling illustrations and journal entries for children that build a resilient mindset by detailing things they can control and things they can't. I'll buy that for her when she's older, I thought, but decided to start working some of that into our conversations. Today seemed like as good a day as any.
As I was talking to her about how our outlook on life impacts our mood, I found myself repeating many of the things my Dad has said to me over the years: If you're having a bad day and smile, you will feel better. Some things you can't control, but you can control how you react to them. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. She was eating it up, so I decided to play a gratitude game with her. I said something I was thankful for, and then she did.
Now, I've read a few articles here and there on the Positive Psychology movement by Martin Seligman and loved them. I even enrolled in a Coursera course by him through the U Penn, and didn't finish. It all makes a lot of sense, but it seems too easy; too simple. Sure, it's backed by science, but come on. Write down three things you're grateful each night before you go to sleep and viola! You will feel more grateful in 5-7 business days.
But I've been telling myself I need to do that; I need to feel that. I need to focus on what I am grateful for instead of what I don't have. As simple as it may be, I haven't put it into action. Just two days prior, I was trying to have a moment of gratitude as I prepped for her party and was in our yard enjoying the view. But as soon as the thought "Wow, I can't believe I live in this house, with this view and have two healthy children who love sleep and a husband I adore." came in to my mind, the thought "But I don't have Mom" took away any any joy that it brought. I've actually thought on more than one occasion I would be truly happy, if only mom were here knowing full well that she wouldn't want me to feel that way, but powerless to change it. I have this beautiful life and yet truly enjoying and appreciating it has seemed just beyond my reach ever since she died.
As I was playing the gratitude ping pong match with Baby A, the gratitude actually started sinking in. As I was explaining to her how easy it is to choose happiness, I thought cynically to myself too bad that's not true. But knowing that it's best to lead by example, in the weeks prior, I had been trying to shift my thinking by countering and standing up to my negative self talk. For example I thought My time off with the kids is coming to an end. It went by too fast, and I knew it would. And replaced it with But how fortunate I am to have had this time, and a job to go back to that I love. Or when I thought of dreading the commute, I was able to shift my thinking to it being quality time with the kids, where I literally have a captive audience.
I don't know what clicked, but finally all of the ways I rob myself of joy were exposed; powerless.
Negative: I can't loose these last 15 pounds and will never be back to my ideal weight.
Positive: You can do it if you want. You already lost 80. And so what if you don't? Be happy now, where you are with what you've got. Be content.
It became a game, and I was winning instead of that voice. In trying to explain how to help my daughter find happiness, she was helping me find it.
I suddenly started to make the connection that if my Mom were alive, I would likely have a different monologue on repeat, working to keep my happiness at bay. If only she had more money and could travel, lived closer, oh but I'm afraid of her dying. You name it - the possibilities of finding ways to sabotage our current moment by using despair or fear (when everything is actually pretty great) are endless.
As my daughter and I continued exchanging grateful stories, in my head I started to question why I was not happier with everything I have, right now; today. I had told myself a thousand times prior not to be sad that Mom was gone, but instead to be thankful that I had her as my mom. That she was so kind and accepting and loving. For five years I've said this but for some reason today I felt it. As thoughts were swirling in my head and I was reaping the rewards of those endorphins that running brings, a hummingbird flitted about, pausing to look at me. Hummingbirds have always reminded me of mom and although I felt quite silly, I pretended it was her and smiled, whispering "Hi Mom" under my breath. Instead of feeling sadness and loss, I felt happy entertaining the idea that it could be her. I thought of how sad I was on the day of A's amazing party when I thought of how Mom wasn't coming, and how my friend Andrea had texted me that if it was at all possible for my Mom to find a way to me and be there in spirit, she would be there.
It was like a fog had lifted, and I started applying the counter voice to everything. Suddenly, the positive story carried more weight. "Hey A, do you want to go to the beach today?" "Yaaaaaasss!" she excitedly replied. Poof, in an instant, my chore of a routine doctors appointment "All the way in Newport Beach" that was going to suck up the majority of the day was transformed into anopportunity. It went from being a task to be checked off a list into something to look forward to; the highlight of our day. As soon as we got home, I threw some things in the backpack and we were off, with something fun to look forward to. I may not have control over everything, but I have control over this day, I thought.
Which brings us to me sitting there on the beach, my heart filled with so much gratitude that I actually found myself with tears streaming down my face. And they kept coming, as I smiled and blinked, watching her chase those gulls, almost in slow motion. This is a day I will never forget I thought, and looked down at a unique rock with holes in it to slip in my backpack as a token to always remember today by. Something to write in our blessings jar that Ann-Marie gave me for my birthday. I had been feeling sad on my birthday, and then mother's day, missing mom. When I opened it, I thought this is what I need to be doing, cultivating gratitude. I have so much to be thankful for. Why don't I feel that way instead of feeling robbed? I didn't have an answer, until today. It's a choice. My choice.
I felt a calmness and a peace wash over me that I haven't felt before and it remains with me now. It's hard to put into words, but I'm doing my best, before it escapes me. It feels almost spiritual, like everything I know to be true actually aligned. It is increasing my faith, because I'm not sure how else to explain the peace that it brings.
Shifting the perspective has even allowed me to somewhat tackle my greatest fear: dying. My Mom died at 63. Her mom was in her 60's and her Mom's Mom was in her 60's. I've never been really afraid of the process of dying, just the whole not existing thing. And the mis-diagnosis of melanoma when A was 8 months old certainly didn't help. But today, I found myself looking at those in my family with longevity instead of focusing on those who were taken too soon. That will be me, I said. And what if I'm wrong? What if I am destined to die at an early age? Well, all the more reason to tell myself I'm going to live a long time and enjoy the heck out of it, instead of worrying that I won't. Because when we worry, it ensures that we don't enjoy right now.
Which brings me to today. Part of what was so special about being at the beach with the kids was the unexpectedness of it. The spontaneity. The sound of the waves and the warm ocean air were nice and all but the really important thing was the lack of wi-fi. See, we were down a steep slope where apparently the internet can't reach. I put my phone down and was truly in the moment with them. I'd be lying if I said I didn't take any video and promptly upload it when I got back to the car, but for that hour or so, I was there and my focus was on them.
When I came home and tried to put some of my thoughts down, I noticed I missed a call from my Dad. He never calls. I called him back and shared a lot of this with him. He said its easy to be so focused with what we want that we forget where were at, and how mom always focused on the good.
Dad: You know, after her funeral, we had that thing back at your house?
Me: Yea...
Dad: The tall guy, I forgot his name...
Me: D'Arcy.
Dad: Yea, D'Arcy. Well his daughter - your flower girl- came over to me that day, after Mom's funeral and she didn't say anything but she kissed me on my forehead. It was all I had not to break down and cry. It meant the world to me, in that moment. I saw her at your party the other day- she's a lot different now, much taller. Anyway, I told her how much it meant. I wanted to tell you that day but you were busy; distracted.
In that moment I felt that people really are put into our lives for a reason. It's not all random, as I have feared for so long.
He confessed that he prays a lot, and in a joking, light-hearted way said "If you prayed as much as you're on facebook, you would be ready to be canonized as a saint." Smiling, I knew he was only slightly exaggerating. It's like my soul is searching for answers and I just use the scrolling feed or headlines in the news as a distraction. Instead of being with my thoughts - these types of thoughts - I fill my mind with stories of pregnant women being lured so that their baby can be taken from them, or the latest political fodder. I get worked up over abortion laws and things I can't control instead of working on what I can control: Today.
It's no coincidence that I fly to Oregon tomorrow for 10 days, and internet is pretty spotty on the property. I'm going to take this as an opportunity for it to be like a retreat of sorts and flesh out these thoughts, which are right now really just stream of consciousness writing. We all need down time, and I'm not saying that my goal is to be 100% tuned in to my kids at all times, that could drive any of us mad! But it's okay to just be with our thoughts and wonder, or fully dive into a murder-mystery book.
I'm taking a few books with me and will actually read them this time, instead of using "I don't have time" as an excuse. One of them is The Hope Circuit by Martin Seligman. We have time when we make time, and I spend my idle time scrolling through my news feed instead of turning the pages. I'm not going to completely unplug, as I will be blogging and checking email but I am going to use it as an opportunity to connect more with my in-laws, be fully present with my kids (most of the time) and continue to increase my faith in God and cultivate this super-simple yet profound positive outlook. Doing that would make Mom way more proud of me than any fancy house, party or weight-loss. She never was one to feel sorry for herself, and I've been doing it in some way for almost five years now. I'm grateful that I realize it now and grateful that I finally feel that it is within my control to change.
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