Our miracle RAINBOW BABY BOY arrived 8/2018

1st IVF = BFN
2nd IVF = Baby A, born May 2015
3rd IVF = Miscarriage at 14 weeks
4th IVF = BFN
After we paid for 5th IVF, positive pregnancy without IVF!

Because the important moments in life just don’t fit in a status update! I started this blog when I was training for my first ½ Ironman, (70.3 miles) to record what I hoped would be growth and progress but ended up being a huge learning experience. Although fitness is one of the key ingredients to a happy life, it certainly isn't the only ingredient. My blog has evolved to document growth, progress and setbacks in other areas too. From my surprise proposal in Rome and wedding in the fall of 2013, to Mom's devastating stage IV cancer diagnosis and death 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. Who knows what shape it will take, but thanks for being along for the ride.

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

May, 2021

It has been a beautiful month; my favorite month so far this year. In fact, if asked to relive any month for all of eternity, I think it would be May, 2021 would be a solid choice. With my birthday, mother's day and Aut's birthday, it was filled to the brim with memories. The month started with Aut going from the ice to the pool, with her ice skating class followed by swim lessons. We also enrolled Cha in swimming lessons, but he's going twice a week.

Beginning stages of pool design!

Getting Cha water-safe is suddenly a big priority for us because just this month, my husband announced that we are going to get a pool! A distant, someday dream when we moved in, I had no idea that someday was already here! If you haven't priced pools recently, they are crazy expensive, with most companies starting well above 100k for the most basic design. And who wants basic? I mean, gas fire is pretty much a need and not a want. If my husband had realized what pool construction cost, he said we never have purchased our home. I'm so thankful we didn't know, because I love our location and our view. I never dreamed of raising kids at the end of a cul-de-sac or having access to miles of trails right out our back gate! And, our home has upgrades I never knew about or wouldn't have paid for, like solid wood doors, heated floors, and a warming drawer. With adding a pool, we are committing to staying here for the foreseeable future, which I'm content with because we love our community.

On my birthday, we had tea at the Hello Kitty Grand Café. Later in the evening, we went out to Orange Mining Company with my father and brother.
Mother's Day gets more meaningful every year. The kids' home-made gifts are the best kind! I love how excited they were to give them to me, and how Aut saved some for me to open, instead of handing them all over when she came home from school. I still have all of these up on display, and Cha regularly points to the one of his hand and exclaims "My hand-print! It's a sun!" And then he points to each 'm' and asks "What's this?"

I was able to celebrate my birthday with my best friend, and also see my group of running friends for the first time in over a year. Patty was visiting from Switzerland, Tamara was in town from Oklahoma. Kay hosted in her new home in Redondo Beach, and I was able to see her adorable 14 month old girl and again and meet her hubby for the first time. I brought Aut with me, and she was as good as gold. With more vaccines available than people who want them, it finally feels like life for many is returning to normal. I am holding off on mine until it is FDA approved, but was a huge proponent of my father getting his.
Family. Orange Mining Company
Will Witt from Prager U
At the beginning of the school year, we took a chance with Aut's school because it was the first year, and there was no track record. We could not be more pleased that she is there and that she has a spot, as the wait list has grown to nearly 700 children! Two events this month solidified our commitment and contentment. The foundation hosted a dinner and auction at the El Rodeo equestrian center where Will Witt was a speaker, and her school celebrated Law Enforcement appreciation week, in spite of receiving terrible backlash from it. The Friday of the appreciation week, she came home very excited to report that "The police came to our school, with a police dog and a helicopter! And we made butter." Having the sense of community that comes with the parent group from her school makes living in California more tolerable.
Toward the end of the month, we threw a big bash for our Aut, who turned six. I invited her entire class, not expecting half of the families to respond that they were coming. Added to our usual crowd, this pushed the number of attendees up to 150! You can read all about her big day here. We spent her actual birthday at Disneyland! It was magical day, in more ways than one, with a sign from God near the end of our 12 hours there. "Sign from what, what now?" Aut would ask. From the Man Upstairs, Himself! After many years of lamenting that I never get any signs (well...except for the time I got the most overt, specific sign when I was 23 and in college, when I was diagnosed with stage 2 melanoma and my husband prayed fervently for me not to have cancer and then I didn't, and when we were granted our prayer of a healthy rainbow baby when multiple doctors said I would not conceive on my own and even IVF was not working) and asking last week for a sign after my phone call with my friend Sandy, I do believe He gave me one on her birthday. We entered the park just before 9am and headed to Pirates. At the suggestion of a friend, I then placed all of our food orders for the day because she had waited until just before lunch time, and all of the waits were hours long. This worked out really well because I was easily able to adjust the times if we were in one area of the park such as Adventureland and the food was about to be ready in Tomorrowland. The line for Pirates was not too bad, and Aut even received a "Happy Birthday" from Captain Jack Sparrow himself, as he was up above the line

After Pirates, we went on the Haunted Mansion and were able to enter through the 'secret' entrance that they are using during Covid, since visitors are not going in the elevator. Cha would not let on that he was a little scared, but he did hold on to my arm a bit tighter in our doom buggy. We picked up some beignets and rode the Mark Twain Riverboat before we walked over to Fantasyland to ride Alice, the teacups and get them each a baseball hat embroidered with their names. We rode a double-decker bus down main street before having ice cream and meeting Daddy outside the park so Cha could go home and nap. Then, the birthday girl and I rode splash mountain, went on Big Thunder Mountain and had lunch in Tomorrowland. She wanted to drive a car in Autotopia, and as we approached, a cast member who saw her birthday button gave her a "magic moment" and walked us up the exit, to get right on, without waiting. She felt very special, and I played that up because well, she is! We rode the Astro Orbiter, went on Star Tours and stopped off in the Bippity Bobbity Botique before waiting in line for Dumbo. Disneyland has such a nostalgia for me, which grows with every passing visit. 
    As I walk through the park, I see areas which remind me of being there for grad night, going with my husband when we were dating, and riding the tea cups with Aut when she was just over a year. While in line for Dumbo, I thought of riding it with Mom when I was around 2 years old. While I don't have the memory, I do still have a Melmac plate that she purchased as a souvenir, and the gollywog that my grandmother gave me that I was pushed around in my stroller with. Watching Aut in her beautiful Jasmine dress, I imagined Mom having a similar feeling of satisfaction, being there with me and watching my joy and wonder. I very strongly, simultaneously, felt two opposite ways. I felt a happiness and connection with her, and yet a sadness, distance and longing for her. I lived in this moment for awhile, tears of both sadness and joy welling up in my eyes. As I continued watching Aut, this warm, fuzzy nostalgia started to dissipate, and my thoughts came back to the present. Before we stopped in at the boutique, Aut asked for a balloon. "Maybe" was my response, but as we had spent all of our gift cards in the boutique (plus some), I told myself I would not get her a balloon. She would be fine with the news, I told myself, but I wanted to get her one. A sort of ping-pong match in my mind ensued, with me countering myself by pointing out that she had enough souvenirs, and pointing to the bubble wand and keepsake popcorn (copcorn as Cha says) container as evidence. Okay, yes, she has enough, no balloon today I thought, and resolved not to get her one. As we exited the ride and went to retrieve the stroller, I momentarily thought I had the wrong one, stopping dead in my tracks at what I thought was our stroller. A purple balloon, Aut's favorite color, was wrapped around the handle. I froze long enough for Aut to notice, as she said "Mommy, that's not our balloon." I looked at the stroller to my left, and the stroller to my right, wondering where it had came from and wanting to return it to it's proper place, realizing there was no way to tell. Instantly, I felt that this was a sign from Mom. Especially because had she been there, buying her granddaughter a balloon that she didn't need, on top of everything else she already had, would have certainly been something that she would have done. As we walked back over to Adventureland to ride Pirates four times in a row, I had a feeling of happiness and connectedness that I quickly started explaining away with the dreaded reason. Well, the balloon was probably attached to the stroller next to mine, and it came off, and a cast member noticed that and wrapped it around my stroller by mistake. Easy to explain and most certainly not a sign from Mom or God. But what I couldn't shake was the thoughts and feelings I was having immediately preceding finding it that way. Had I just walked off a random ride earlier in the day and found it attached, it would have had little to no impact. It was as if someone had read my mind, and God would be the only one who could do that.
    We made it home before 10pm, and Aut hugged Daddy and opened the rest of her presents from us (electric scooter!). After I put her to bed, I reluctantly shared my balloon story with him, feeling a bit silly. He had a strong reaction, telling me he absolutely thought it could be a sign, and telling me not to discount it. "I just wish that every year, on her birthday, I would receive a sign and then...well, then I would really know." He responded with "You're always asking for more proof in this area, and discounting what you do receive. Enjoy it; believe it." I have since shared it with three more friends (before announcing it here to the world), and they all agreed, none of them wanting to be the one to say "What are you, crazy? You're really reaching here, pal." My friend Sandy did point out the distinction that it would not actually be a sign from Mom, as there is not any scripture to support that, but rather a sign from God related to Mom. Whatever the case, I'll take it and at least for now, choose to believe that Aut, and I, were granted a sign from above on her birthday. 

Things I don't want to forget this month:

  • Driving Cha to "my big house" one morning, he spotted a barn and exclaimed "Farmhouse! Ei I ei I oh!"
  • After we put Charles to bed one night, we heard his footsteps outside our door. Slowly, the door opened and he came in, wearing the helmet from his knight costume. "It's me!" he declared, raising up the face shield and then saying "I scared you!"
  • Aut randomly telling me the day after Disneyland how amazing and magical her birthday was, and "Thank you for planning it all." 
  • Cha asking me to do My Little Piggy on his toes before bed.
  • Coming home a bit later than usual due to an appointment and both kids running toward me, with even Cha saying "I missed you!"
  • Thanking God every day that I was chosen to be their Mom.

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