Our miracle RAINBOW BABY BOY is on the way! Due 8/2018

1st IVF = BFN
2nd IVF = Baby A, born May 2015
3rd IVF = Miscarriage at 14 weeks
4th IVF = BFN
After we paid for 5th IVF, positive pregnancy w/o IVF!

Because the important moments in life just don’t fit in a status update! I started this blog when I was training for my first ½ Ironman, (70.3 miles) to record what I hoped would be growth and progress but ended up being a huge learning experience. Although fitness is one of the key ingredients to a happy life, it certainly isn't the only ingredient. My blog has evolved to document growth, progress and setbacks in other areas too. From my surprise proposal in Rome and wedding in the fall of 2013, to Mom's devastating stage IV cancer diagnosis and death 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. Who knows what shape it will take, but thanks for being along for the ride.

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

June Update


We flew home from Oregon on June 1st; just the kids and I, and hit the ground running. That same day, we went to her cousin's first birthday party, followed by an outdoor movie that evening in our neighborhood greenbelt.

The next day, we had more cousin time at their beach hotel pool in the morning, and went to the Baker Street Bash instead of going home to nap. It was the first time that she went off without an adult. She was with two older kids that are the children of C's godmother and more like family than friends, but it was still a definite sign that she's growing up. 

She was sitting with Michael watching the talent show and the Cupid Shuffle came on. Apparently, dancing to this song is hard to resist. I was so surprised to see her not only get up and start dancing to a song she had never heard, but also join a lot of kids up on stage! 

A is a bit cautious and reserved, but it never gets in the way of her fun! I never would have gone up on stage at her age because I was so shy. But she felt comfortable, which speaks volumes about how comfortable she feels there and with Mak and Michael.

While we were in Oregon, my husband started taking our puppies out our back gate and letting them off-leash once they got to the stream. He's training them to come when called, in case there is another dog or mountain biker. They listen most of the time, and are eager to please. Once we were home, we joined in and now regularly go in the murky, mucky water too. As the pups are getting more adept at navigating the slippery rocks, and so is Baby A. Since she was little, I've been a firm believer in letting her get messy and explore. You know, the amazing adventures of our childhood and pretty much every generation before us that are now discouraged and almost frowned upon.
Children need to be able to get outside with unstructured time to explore. Physical and emotional problems arise when they aren't allowed to and/or are too tightly restricted and controlled. Check out this article: THE UNSAFE CHILD: Less Outdoor Play is Causing More harm Than Good. I am a firm believer that the more freedoms we allow our children, the more likely they are to listen and obey when we want/need them to- not the other way around, as some would fear. If a child is constantly told they cannot do something, it is a natural reaction to try and test those boundaries. Baby A knows that I am a "yes Mommy" and that if I do say no, there is a pretty good reason. Because of this, she is more well-behaved, not less. It is the children who are greatly restricted and constantly told no who do their very best to do the opposite of what they know to be their parent's desired behavior. Or, they have so many limits that they just tune them out. Because I seek to please A, she seeks to please us.  She has never thrown anything down our staircase, for example, in part because I've never told her that she shouldn't.
Baby C continues to be such an easy-going, charming little guy! He's starting to show affection by leaning his head forward to touch ours, or by grabbing our hair and smashing his face up against his. He loves the tall giraffe in his nursery, and giggles when I bring him close to it. He's a fast army crawler and toward the end of the month was starting to crawl on all fours, and pull himself up on furniture. He loves throwing any ball back and forth, and often shakes a bit with excitement after he throws it while letting out a little grunt. It is just so darn cute, so I do it with him daily.

Toward the end of the month, A started walking more with us without the stroller. She now regularly does 1.5-2 miles out our back trails without any "I'm tired" complaints. My goal is to take advantage of the small patch of wilderness we have right out our back gate more and more as the kids get older. For our upcoming international trip, I bought The Nature Principal: Reconnecting with Life in a Virtual Age. My goal is to still get out there with the kids daily in the fall, and eventually get mountain bikes for us all to ride.

For the last week in June, A went to VBS with her cousin MC. Although "I don't know" was usually her response to me asking what she learned, she did randomly say "I love God so much!" as we were getting ready to leave. In preparation for his first international trip, Baby C had his first haircut. For about a week after, I was adjusting to how much he looked like a boy instead of a baby.

We had two movies outside on my hubby's new projector and screen that he got for Father's Day: Shrek 2 and Toy Story 1. We're hoping to make this a summer tradition.

We met our neighbors at Angel Stadium for the kids' first baseball game. A was more into it that I expected, and even clapped every time either team scored a point. The end of the month found me trying to prepare and order things for Baby C's first birthday which is just over a month away, and packing for our trip to Helsinki! Before we flew internationally with Baby A when she was 14 months, I was really nervous and second guessing our decision until the night before. But since we have that under our belt and C is such an easy baby, I'm way more excited than I was last time.

Things I don't want to forget about this month:
  • Finishing a hot 3 mile run and laying down in the toy room. A brought me a kid's cup filled to the brim with ice cold water, completely unprompted. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

May Update + The Hands Free Mama

Baby A and I both celebrated our birthdays this month. Turning a year older doesn't bother me like I would have thought it would when I was younger and imagined being this age. I'm happy and content with this life we've created, and love being a Mom more than I ever dreamed I would. We spent mine at Great Wolf Lodge for the day because a friend had extra wristbands, and went on a double date with my work-bff and her hubby, without the kids.

Before I met my husband, I thought maybe you're just supposed to settle. Maybe you're just supposed to pick someone who has most of what you're looking for and you can tolerate being around. Then he came along and had everything I was looking for, and a lot more that I didn't even realize was important, like a fierce devotion to family. When Mom only had a few months left to live, it was his idea to move her and my father in with us. I never would have asked or expected that as a newlywed but he wouldn't have it any other way.

As we approach our sixth year married and eighth as a couple, I'm realizing that we are even more suited for each other than I originally realized, and thankful and blessed to have found him. One important quality that we both share is our love of animals, which has become more important lately with the addition of the two new puppies. 

I can't imagine being married to someone who didn't want animals or worse yet, begrudgingly tolerated them. They enhance the quality of our life and our kids' lives so much and I'm thankful we made the leap of faith and got two instead of one. Its amazing; they are so happy and content being outside during the day with each other. They never cry or whine to get in, though we do bring them in for attention in the evening and lock them in the garage every night. We have started going on daily walks to the creek behind our house, and let them off-leash. They're starting to go in the water every time, venturing a bit further out.
We celebrated A's 4th birthday with a Frozen party, which I had been looking forward to for about a year. Anna and Elsa made an appearance, but the real hit of the party was the snow machine that our new neighbor friends let us borrow. We placed it up on the patio and set it to go on intermittently. 

Riding the coat-tails of my soak-up every-moment epiphany, I decided not to be on my phone at all while I was in Oregon. I deleted the facebook and instagram apps. from my phone, and picked up Hands Free Mama: Letting Go... to Grasp What Really Matters. I bought this book a few months ago, and it could not have been more fitting. It was exactly what I needed to reinforce my commitment to be fully present with both my children.
Each minute of every day, we are presented with a choice on how we spend our moments. We can either miss the moments or grasp them. This photo was taken at a time in my life when I was missing the moments and in doing so, I was missing more than life.
To get an idea of what it's about, here is a blog posting that started it all: How to Miss a Childhood. I'm copying it here instead of just posting the link, so you'll be more inclined to read it. Although she is referring to technology distractions in this post, the book talks about any distraction that absorbs the majority of our time at home, such as the need to be super organized, clean or constantly on the go.

How to Miss a Childhood

By sharing my own painful truths when it comes to the distractions of the modern age, I have gained an unexpected insight. In the 18 months this blog has existed, I have been privy to a new distraction confession every single day.

Up until now, I never knew what to do with this unusual collection of painful admissions from an overly connected society. But today, in a moment of clarity, I knew. And a woman with 35 years experience as a day care provider held the key.

It came as a message in my inbox after the woman read my post “The Children Have Spoken” which included heart-breaking observations from children themselves about their parents’ excessive phone use.

As soon as I read the first sentence of the caregiver’s email, I knew this message was different than any I had ever received. The hairs on my arms stood up as I absorbed each word that came uncomfortably close to home.

It was a voice of heartache, wisdom, and urgency speaking directly to the parents of the 21st century:

“I can recall a time when you were out with your children you were really with them. You engaged in a back and forth dialog even if they were pre-verbal. You said, ‘Look at the bus, see the doggie, etc.’ Now I see you on the phone, pushing your kids on the swings while distracted by your devices. You think you are spending time with them but you are not present really. When I see you pick up your kids at day care while you’re on the phone, it breaks my heart. They hear your adult conversations. What do they overhear? What is the message they receive? I am not important; I am not important.”
In a 100-word paragraph this concerned woman who has cared for babies since 1977 revealed a disturbing recipe … How to Miss a Childhood.

And because I possess hundreds of distraction confessions, including stories from my own former highly distracted life, I have all the damaging ingredients.
All it takes is one child and one phone and this tragic recipe can be yours.

How to Miss a Childhood
*Keep your phone turned on at all times of the day. Allow the rings, beeps, and buzzes to interrupt your child mid-sentence; always let the caller take priority.

*Carry your phone around so much that when you happen to leave it in one room your child will come running with it proudly in hand—treating it more like a much needed breathing apparatus than a communication device.
*Decide the app you’re playing is more important than throwing the ball in the yard with your kids. Even better, yell at them to leave you alone while you play your game.
*Take your children to the zoo and spend so much time on your phone that your child looks longingly at the mother who is engaged with her children and wishes she was with her instead.
*While you wait for the server to bring your food or the movie to start, get out your phone and stare at it despite the fact your child sits inches away longing for you talk to him.
*Go to your child’s sporting event and look up periodically from your phone thinking she won’t notice that you are not fully focused on her game.
*Check your phone first thing in the morning … even before you kiss, hug, or greet the people in your family.
*Neglect daily rituals like tucking your child into bed or nightly dinner conversation because you are too busy with your online activity.
*Don’t look up from your phone when your child speaks to you or just reply with an “uh huh” so she thinks you were listening.
*Lose your temper with your child when he “bothers” you while you are interacting with your hand-held electronic device.
*Give an exasperated sigh when your child asks you to push her on the swing. Can’t she see you’re busy?
*Use drive time to call other people regardless of the fact you could be talking to your kids about their day—or about their worries, their fears, or their dreams.
*Read email and text messages at stoplights. Then tell yourself that when your kids are old enough to drive they won’t remember you did this all the time.
*Have the phone to your ear when she gets in or out of the car. Convince yourself a loving hello or goodbye is highly overrated.
Follow this recipe and you will have:
• Missed opportunities for human connection
• Fewer chances to create beautiful memories
• Lack of connection to the people most precious to you
• Inability to really know your children and them unable to know you
• Overwhelming regret
If you find this recipe difficult to read—if you find that you have tears in your eyes, I thank you, and your child thanks you.

It is not easy to consider the possibility that the distractions of the modern age have taken an undeserved priority over the people who matter in your life. In fact, when I admitted this difficult truth to myself almost two years ago, I experienced an emotional breakdown. However, that breakdown became a breakthrough that propelled me to begin my life-changing “Hands Free” journey.
Here’s the thing: You don’t have to follow the above recipe. Yes, it is the 21st century. Yes, the whole world is online. Yes, the communications for your job are important. Yes, at times you must be readily available. But despite all those factors, you do not have to sacrifice your child’s childhood; nor do you have to sacrifice your life.

May I recommend this recipe instead?

How to Grasp a Childhood:
Look into her eyes when she speaks to you … Your uninterrupted gaze is love to your child.
Take time to be with him—really be with him by giving your full attention … The gift of your total presence is love to your child
Hold her hand, rub his back, listen to her heart beat, and smooth his hair … Your gentle touch is love to your child. 
Greet her like you missed her when she was not in your presence … Seeing your face light up when you see her is love to your child. 
Play with him … Your involvement in his activities is love to your child.
Create a distraction-free daily ritual … Consistently making him a priority each day is love to your child.
Focus and smile at her from the stands, sidelines, or the audience … Seeing the joy on your face as you watch is love to your child.
The recipe for “How to Grasp a Childhood” requires only one thing: You must put down your phone. Whether it is for ten minutes, two hours, or an entire Saturday, beautiful human connection, memory making, and parent-child bonding can occur every single time you let go of distraction to grasp what really matters.
The beautiful, life-changing results of your “Hands Free” action can start today … right now … the moment you put down the phone.
My life changed the day I stopped justifying my highly distracted life and  admitted I was missing precious moments that I would never retrieve. I imagined my daughter standing on the stage of her high school graduation and asked myself: When she is 18 years old, will I wish I had spent more time on my phone/work/social life? Or will I wish I had spent more time investing in her?
The answer was simple.

My hope is that this post inspires one person to become aware of how often he or she uses the phone (or computer) in the presence of a child.
*If you are interested in the impact this post had on those who read it, please read “How to Miss a Childhood: Update.” 
*For tips about letting go of distraction to connect with the people you love please join “The Hands Free Revolution.” We are a growing community striving to grasp “the moments that matter” in life.

This one small change of not having my phone with me transformed our time together in Oregon. By leaving my phone inside each morning as we headed out on a Gator ride, I didn't have a way to check the time of day. And I realized that it didn't really matter. "Want to stop and go in the water?" I would ask, knowing she would say yes. We stayed there until she was ready to go, and then I asked her what she would like to do next. She usually had an idea but if not, I would present her with a few choices, like feed the swans, give pony a carrot or go in the canoe. 

Also, not having my phone resulted in a whole lot less pictures being taken because what's the point of taking adorable photos if you're not going to post them anywhere?  Instead, I tried to form a snapshot of her mannerisms and smile and commit to memory all of the mispronunciations that I will miss, like "fee" instead of "three" or "hanitizer" instead of hand sanitizer. I must confess that I did cave after 7 days instead of 10, and haven't finished the book just yet. But it has already impacted our relationship greatly. The days were long up there, in a good way.
I did some gardening, running and worked with the rescue pony Butterscotch. We brought a trainer to the property to teach me how to train her. She confirmed what we had suspected: Butterscotch is a sweet, tender animal that lacks any training. I was able to start giving her simple commands and leading her around with the harness, and also cinch a saddle on her. I can't wait to return in July and pick up where we left off. 
Now that we're back home, I'm on my phone a lot less. The book isn't about not having our distractions, but carving out some time each day where we completely put them down and are fully in the moment with our child(ren) instead of multi-tasking. I continue to make time to play with her a few times each day and when she knows I will be joining her, she does better playing independently for longer periods of time. 

I look at time spent in waiting rooms or in the car as an opportunity to connect instead of just time to pass. I'm giving her iPad time every other day instead of every day, and we've cut back on TV time too.

Before we left for Oregon, Baby C was starting to crawl. Once we returned, be was much faster and proficient, so I put up a safety gate at the top of the stairs. He is still doing an army crawly, but is surprisingly speedy! He also had two bottom teeth come in while we were there. They must have been there for a day or two before I noticed. I was feeding him some bread and felt them. Thinking it was only one, I exclaimed "You have two teeth!" and then looked to A "He has two teeth!" Looking back at C, his bottom lip started quivering and then he burst out crying. I think my enthusiasm was a bit much for him.

The variety of food has also changed. Before we left for Oregon, he was mostly having different types of baby food fruit or veggies mixed with baby oatmeal. I would give him toast. Now, he's had: Scrambled eggs, avocado, blackberries, spaghetti, ground turkey, Eggo waffles, bananas, enchiladas, chicken alfredo, pancakes and a small amount of cake and ice cream.

Monday, May 20, 2019

The Day She Helped Me Find Happiness

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein 
There are only three times in my life when I've cried tears of joy: Driving home from college on a beautiful sunny day; when my husband proposed; and today, sitting on the beach with C strapped to me in his baby carrier, and A trying to catch a seagull (or two) after I told her if she actually caught one, she could take it home. Are you kidding? she inquired, smiling. No, I'm not kidding, I replied. You are kidding she countered, and then was off in a flash, running as fast as she could as they flew up in the air, just out of her reach.

Nothing was particularly special about today when I woke up. Getting over a cold and up a pound on the scale, I decided I should squeeze in a 3 mile run before my doctor's appointment. I managed to get both kids in the stroller without any crying and we were out the door. Usually we listen to The Trolls soundtrack, something we can always agree on. But today, we found ourselves half a mile in without any music.

I've been noticing recently that A gives up a little too easily, without much perseverance. As my father used to do to me (and thankfully still does) I started throwing out some canned motivational phrases such as "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again." Sometimes on a walk, she will complain that her legs are tired and I counter that with an explanation of how being tired or sore makes us stronger.

The targeted advertising in my instagram feed has been particularly on pointe lately, with some company selling illustrations and journal entries for children that build a resilient mindset by detailing things they can control and things they can't. I'll buy that for her when she's older, I thought, but decided to start working some of that into our conversations. Today seemed like as good a day as any.

As I was talking to her about how our outlook on life impacts our mood, I found myself repeating many of the things my Dad has said to me over the years: If you're having a bad day and smile, you will feel better. Some things you can't control, but you can control how you react to them. Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. She was eating it up, so I decided to play a gratitude game with her. I said something I was thankful for, and then she did.

Now, I've read a few articles here and there on the Positive Psychology movement by Martin Seligman and loved them. I even enrolled in a Coursera course by him through the U Penn, and didn't finish. It all makes a lot of sense, but it seems too easy; too simple. Sure, it's backed by science, but come on. Write down three things you're grateful each night before you go to sleep and viola! You will feel more grateful in 5-7 business days.

But I've been telling myself I need to do that; I need to feel that. I need to focus on what I am grateful for instead of what I don't have. As simple as it may be, I haven't put it into action. Just two days prior, I was trying to have a moment of gratitude as I prepped for her party and was in our yard enjoying the view. But as soon as the thought "Wow, I can't believe I live in this house, with this view and have two healthy children who love sleep and a husband I adore." came in to my mind, the thought "But I don't have Mom" took away any any joy that it brought.  I've actually thought on more than one occasion I would be truly happy, if only mom were here knowing full well that she wouldn't want me to feel that way, but powerless to change it. I have this beautiful life and yet truly enjoying and appreciating it has seemed just beyond my reach ever since she died.

As I was playing the gratitude ping pong match with Baby A, the gratitude actually started sinking in. As I was explaining to her how easy it is to choose happiness, I thought cynically to myself too bad that's not true. But knowing that it's best to lead by example, in the weeks prior, I had been trying to shift my thinking by countering and standing up to my negative self talk. For example I thought My time off with the kids is coming to an end. It went by too fast, and I knew it would. And replaced it with But how fortunate I am to have had this time, and a job to go back to that I love. Or when I thought of dreading the commute, I was able to shift my thinking to it being quality time with the kids, where I literally have a captive audience.

I don't know what clicked, but finally all of the ways I rob myself of joy were exposed; powerless. 

Negative: I can't loose these last 15 pounds and will never be back to my ideal weight.
Positive: You can do it if you want. You already lost 80. And so what if you don't? Be happy now, where you are with what you've got. Be content.

It became a game, and I was winning instead of that voice. In trying to explain how to help my daughter find happiness, she was helping me find it.

I suddenly started to make the connection that if my Mom were alive, I would likely have a different monologue on repeat, working to keep my happiness at bay. If only she had more money and could travel, lived closer, oh but I'm afraid of her dying. You name it - the possibilities of finding ways to sabotage our current moment by using despair or fear (when everything is actually pretty great) are endless.

As my daughter and I continued exchanging grateful stories, in my head I started to question why I was not happier with everything I have, right now; today. I had told myself a thousand times prior not to be sad that Mom was gone, but instead to be thankful that I had her as my mom. That she was so kind and accepting and loving. For five years I've said this but for some reason today I felt it. As thoughts were swirling in my head and I was reaping the rewards of those endorphins that running brings, a hummingbird flitted about, pausing to look at me. Hummingbirds have always reminded me of mom and although I felt quite silly, I pretended it was her and smiled, whispering "Hi Mom" under my breath. Instead of feeling sadness and loss, I felt happy entertaining the idea that it could be her. I thought of how sad I was on the day of A's amazing party when I thought of how Mom wasn't coming, and how my friend Andrea had texted me that if it was at all possible for my Mom to find a way to me and be there in spirit, she would be there.

It was like a fog had lifted, and I started applying the counter voice to everything. Suddenly, the positive story carried more weight. "Hey A, do you want to go to the beach today?" "Yaaaaaasss!" she excitedly replied. Poof, in an instant, my chore of a routine doctors appointment "All the way in Newport Beach" that was going to suck up the majority of the day was transformed into anopportunity. It went from being a task to be checked off a list into something to look forward to; the highlight of our day. As soon as we got home, I threw some things in the backpack and we were off, with something fun to look forward to. I may not have control over everything, but I have control over this day, I thought.

Which brings us to me sitting there on the beach, my heart filled with so much gratitude that I actually found myself with tears streaming down my face. And they kept coming, as I smiled and blinked, watching her chase those gulls, almost in slow motion. This is a day I will never forget I thought, and looked down at a unique rock with holes in it to slip in my backpack as a token to always remember today by. Something to write in our blessings jar that Ann-Marie gave me for my birthday. I had been feeling sad on my birthday, and then mother's day, missing mom. When I opened it, I thought this is what I need to be doing, cultivating gratitude. I have so much to be thankful for. Why don't I feel that way instead of feeling robbed? I didn't have an answer, until today. It's a choice. My choice.

I felt a calmness and a peace wash over me that I haven't felt before and it remains with me now. It's hard to put into words, but I'm doing my best, before it escapes me. It feels almost spiritual, like everything I know to be true actually aligned. It is increasing my faith, because I'm not sure how else to explain the peace that it brings. 

Shifting the perspective has even allowed me to somewhat tackle my greatest fear: dying. My Mom died at 63. Her mom was in her 60's and her Mom's Mom was in her 60's. I've never been really afraid of the process of dying, just the whole not existing thing. And the mis-diagnosis of melanoma when A was 8 months old certainly didn't help. But today, I found myself looking at those in my family with longevity instead of focusing on those who were taken too soon. That will be me, I said. And what if I'm wrong? What if I am destined to die at an early age? Well, all the more reason to tell myself I'm going to live a long time and enjoy the heck out of it, instead of worrying that I won't. Because when we worry, it ensures that we don't enjoy right now.

Which brings me to today. Part of what was so special about being at the beach with the kids was the unexpectedness of it. The spontaneity. The sound of the waves and the warm ocean air were nice and all but the really important thing was the lack of wi-fi. See, we were down a steep slope where apparently the internet can't reach. I put my phone down and was truly in the moment with them. I'd be lying if I said I didn't take any video and promptly upload it when I got back to the car, but for that hour or so, I was there and my focus was on them.

When I came home and tried to put some of my thoughts down, I noticed I missed a call from my Dad. He never calls. I called him back and shared a lot of this with him. He said its easy to be so focused with what we want that we forget where were at, and how mom always focused on the good. 

Dad: You know, after her funeral, we had that thing back at your house? 
Me: Yea...
Dad: The tall guy, I forgot his name...
Me: D'Arcy.
Dad: Yea, D'Arcy. Well his daughter - your flower girl- came over to me that day, after Mom's funeral and she didn't say anything but she kissed me on my forehead. It was all I had not to break down and cry. It meant the world to me, in that moment. I saw her at your party the other day- she's a lot different now, much taller. Anyway, I told her how much it meant. I wanted to tell you that day but you were busy; distracted.

In that moment I felt that people really are put into our lives for a reason. It's not all random, as I have feared for so long.

He confessed that he prays a lot, and in a joking, light-hearted way said "If you prayed as much as you're on facebook, you would be ready to be canonized as a saint." Smiling, I knew he was only slightly exaggerating. It's like my soul is searching for answers and I just use the scrolling feed or headlines in the news as a distraction. Instead of being with my thoughts - these types of thoughts - I fill my mind with stories of pregnant women being lured so that their baby can be taken from them, or the latest political fodder. I get worked up over abortion laws and things I can't control instead of working on what I can control: Today.

It's no coincidence that I fly to Oregon tomorrow for 10 days, and internet is pretty spotty on the property. I'm going to take this as an opportunity for it to be like a retreat of sorts and flesh out these thoughts, which are right now really just stream of consciousness writing. We all need down time, and I'm not saying that my goal is to be 100% tuned in to my kids at all times, that could drive any of us mad! But it's okay to just be with our thoughts and wonder, or fully dive into a murder-mystery book.

I'm taking a few books with me and will actually read them this time, instead of using "I don't have time" as an excuse. One of them is The Hope Circuit by Martin Seligman. We have time when we make time, and I spend my idle time scrolling through my news feed instead of turning the pages. I'm not going to completely unplug, as I will be blogging and checking email but I am going to use it as an opportunity to connect more with my in-laws, be fully present with my kids (most of the time) and continue to increase my faith in God and cultivate this super-simple yet profound positive outlook. Doing that would make Mom way more proud of me than any fancy house, party or weight-loss. She never was one to feel sorry for herself, and I've been doing it in some way for almost five years now. I'm grateful that I realize it now and grateful that I finally feel that it is within my control to change.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

An Open Letter to Hopeful Moms on Mother's Day

This blog posting was supposed to be finished by Mother's Day but as you can tell, I'm running a bit behind. Life is busy with two little ones and computer time is a luxury. But I wouldn't have it any other way. My life holds so much more meaning now that I have two children, in an almost indescribable way.

Are you childless by choice? Several of my very good friends and family members are also. They have never wanted children and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Their lives will not be any more or less fulfilling than those who have children, because they do not desire them. Being a parent is not a dream everyone has, and this blog posting is not directed at you.

But, if you have always wanted to be a Mom, this posting is for you. Do you try and tell yourself that you don't need children to fulfill you, and focus instead on what you do have such as freedom to travel or your career?

No one in particular in society came up and told me "You don't need children to be happy. Just focus on your college and then your career and it will all be great." Yet somehow, I very much received the message that if I didn't have children, it was fine; I would still be happy. As long as I was an independent woman, paid my own bills, had a nice car, went on vacation and maybe even owned a home. 

But for me personally, that absolutely is not true: My life would not be nearly as fulfilling or complete unless I became a Mom, no matter how much money I earned or how fulfilling my career was. Inside I always knew that I truly did hope to have kids someday. The lie that society was telling me (and I was telling myself) was absolutely not true. The argument could be made that I was being conditioned from birth to be more nurturing because I was a girl, but for me, I know it was innate. I have always been nurturing, and at a young age that manifested itself in my care for animals (even pet snails) and dolls, just as I see in Baby A.

Being a mom is much more rewarding than I ever could have imagined. Until I became a Mom, I could not have known just how much I would love it. I wish that I could have just one day with my Mom now that I am a Mom. Not just because she was my very best friend and someone I called every day since I got a cell phone back in...1998? But because I now understand just how much she loved me. When my Mom was dying, I thought of how people had said "You never know how much your Mom loves you until you become one." That can't be true, I thought: I know my Mom loves me, and I really, really love her. But they were right. Until I became a Mom, I did not could not know this all-consuming I-would-die-for-you-in-a-heartbeat love. I couldn't.

When I hadn't met my husband yet and worried I wouldn't meet someone "in time" I told myself that it would be okay, and as a defense mechanism tried to amplify the sound of all the Moms lamenting their lack of sleep and money and ability to leave for a long weekend on a whim without any extra preparations beyond leaving an extra serving of cat food in the bowl. I told myself that if I never became a Mom, that would be alright. But do we tell ourselves the same thing for our other dreams and goals? Oh, I really want a graduate degree, but it's too hard. It just didn't happen. Or, I would really like to travel or move, but change is scary so it's okay if I don't. No. We would tell ourselves or our friend to go for it if it was a dream of ours. Especially if it were our main dream in life.

Being a Mom is unlike anything I have ever experienced and infinitely more rewarding than I ever expected. I now know that my life would not be complete if this dream of mine was not fulfilled in some way, either by adoption, fostering, or embryo adoption. Yes, even if I were single. I want to tell you a little more about one of these options because when I've mentioned it to friends considering parenthood, they haven't heard of it.

Embryo adoption is the path I would choose if I did not have children right now. It is basically adoption in its earliest form. At only $8,500 in California, it is relatively inexpensive compared to other options. Private adoption in the united states, for example, is over $50,000 and each round of IVF is $20,000. We did four.

Unlike IVF which uses your own eggs, embryo adoption has a success rate much, much higher. The success is actually that of the age of the woman whom the eggs belong to. You can read more about it here. In no way am I trying to dissuade anyone from fostering or adopting because both of those are noble, worthwhile causes. But if I were single, I would be worried about fostering a child who could possibly not remain with me, since reunification with birth parents is the goal. And I would want both the experience of being pregnant and the certain knowledge that there were no drugs used during the child's pregnancy.

But, it's not genetically mine, you may be thinking. Not exactly true, according to epigenetics. The embryo that may have otherwise been destroyed is the blue print for the baby, but your body is the builder. An adopted embryo may manifest itself differently depending on the mother and womb it grows in.

Ready to learn more? Book a consultation with Jane Frederick in Newport Beach. Just tell her that I sent you, and the consultation is free. Or, call any local IVF clinic if you're not in the area. 

If being a mother is a dream of yours and a calling, don't ignore it.

Thursday, May 2, 2019

Two Puppies Are Better Than One - March Update

A face only a mother could love?
Since we lost my husband's husky about 4 years ago, we have talked about getting another dog.  We haven't been able to agree on a breed. Until adopting Trevi, I didn't realize that some dogs have hair, not fur, and don't shed. Because we moved into a home with wood floors that show everything, I kept holding out hope that he would agree to a breed with hair and not fur. Every time I suggested one, he said it was ugly, and that I like ugly dogs. I have no idea what he's talking about, as I picked out Trevi and she is pretty much the cutest dog ever, as evidenced by the photo above.

Finally, he was open to getting a Bouvier, even though it really looks like a giant Trevi. I was so excited that I had won the great dog-breed selection debate, and could have a dog and a home free of any evidence of said dog. "You have a dog? A giant, black dog? But your wood floors are so clean! How do you do it?" people would marvel.

I posted on Nextdoor and found a local woman who owned one, and she walked him over so we could meet him. He was a sweetheart. "Gentle giant" she said. All was going according to plan, until we met with our vet. His take? No way did we want a dog like that with young children. He explained that we wanted a sporting dog and not a working dog. I didn't even know there was a difference. You really want to get a lab or a golden with small children. That's what I have. I agreed and smiled and nodded, but my husband was shocked when we walked out of the office and I said "Well, golden retriever it is!" He thought I was just being nice and agreeable, and in no way thought my mind could be changed that swiftly. But it just made sense. Our children's safety means way more than not having to keep a lint roller in the car

He was so excited that I changed my mind that he started contacting breeders that day. Who knew breeders could be so...particular? One even went so far to say that she picks out the $2,500 puppy for us, based on what she knows about us and we do not get to select. Are you kidding? Most would make us sign a no breeding clause. But we want to breed a few times, in a few years, so that the kids can have the experience of puppies. We also want to keep a puppy from a future litter so that we can always have a descendant of our original dog. And the children can one day own the great-great-great granddaughter of their original dog! Hopefully, this sounds more sentimental than it does crazy.

And did I mention the cost? Most dogs that were AKC registered were $2,000-$3,000. But my husband loves a good deal, and we found a breeder in Yucaipa that had puppies for "only" $900 each. What a bargain, let's get two!  But all of her puppies were spoken for, and we thought we would keep them in mind for a future litter. But while A and I were at a friend's party in Riverside, he received a text that TWO of the potential owners had backed out, and two sisters were left. He called me to ask if I wanted to go "look" at them that night. I knew right away that there was no way that I could only look at them, and that we would most likely be bringing the girls home. I asked everyone I could at the party, thinking that someone would tell me that it was a horrible idea. Instead, I talked to an emergency room doctor and her husband, who proudly showed me video of their English cream golden retriever frolicking in the snow with the children in Mammoth. It was pretty much the cutest thing I had ever seen, and in my mind I flashed forward to our children playing with the girls out in the open space behind our home, and up in Oregon for 15 summers to come.

It was dark and we had trouble finding the home off the main drag in Yucaipa, on a winding uphill road with no street lights, curbs or sidewalks. Finally we noticed the white picket fence and long driveway. As we excitedly jumped out of the car and walked toward their garage kennel, my heart melted. I was handed one of the girls and she was the softest thing I had every felt. There was a third pup who was to be picked up the next morning and she chewed on my purse, my Disney shoes, my hair and my pants. I kept double checking that she was spoken for, and was relieved each time they said yes. 

Sitting in the kennel with the three pups surrounding me, my husband asked if I wanted to go talk to him at the car. Smiling, I just shook my head no. There was no point to discussing in private; I wanted to take both these girls home that night. The two children that belonged to the breeder went to say good bye to the pups with tears in their eyes, and we knew we made the right decision.

A lot of people can't conceal their shock when I tell them that we got two puppies. But having two is actually less work, in a way, because they play so much together. At first, we had them in our master bath at night and they didn't cry or wimper at all. Now, they are in the garage at night even though our vet said they are likely too big for coyotes, and outside during the day. They don't paw at the door or even seem to want in at all. They are perfectly happy and content outside, because they have each other and are not abandoned by their "pack." He also said that they will proved protection for Trevi if left outside with her, although Trevi would say that 1) She should never be left outside and 2) It's her protecting them, not the other way around.
Trevi keeps asking when they are going back home.
It's been amazing watching A bond with the sisters, whom she appropriately named Anna and Elsa. They are growing bigger by the day and amazingly don't jump or nip at all. Even when provoked (not by Autumn) they are mellow and sweet. They do like to go in the trampoline when kids are in there, and Elsa is in the spa any chance she gets, while Anna watches from the side lines.

When not playing with our pups, we went to Disneyland with our favorite people, saw Aladdin at Segerstrom, rode a unicorn out back, went for hikes and fishing in the behind our house, met GrandpaGlennie at a "superbloom" and took Sara the giraffe for a ride to get ice cream. 

Baby C continues to be the most content, happy baby on the planet. He now belly laughs when I give him a kiss attack, or hit him softly on the head with a clean diaper or magazine. He loves watching sister jump off steps and run around. He is very intrigued by her, and will often move his arms and legs as if he wants to join in. He isn't crawling just yet, but manages to get all around by rolling. When he wakes up after about 12 hours of sleep, he babbles to himself and shakes his rattle. He continues to be a miracle child in more ways than one.

"Baby" A now loves Splash Mountain and Big Thunder Mountain, and I am discovering that seeing her joy brings me way more joy than I ever found on my own. Seeing my children happy is my life's greatest joy, and I would go the lengths of the earth for them.

And finally, speaking of happiness, I'm back to running with no surgery required! Here I was, imagining hip replacement surgery in my future and a second MRI with contrast showed I did not have a labral band tear! After about three weeks off, I'm back to my normal 3 mile runs with no pain.

Friday, March 22, 2019

Get the Balance Right - February Update

Some say that the wisdom of the ages is found in the Bible, and this may very well be true. But it is also found in many a Depeche Mode song. Get The Balance Right from 1983 especially rang true for me this month. 

There's more besides joyrides
Little house in the countryside
Understand, learn to demand,
Compromise, sometimes lie
Get the Balance right, get the balance right
Be responsible, respectable,
Stable but gullible
Concerned and caring, help the helpless
But always remain ultimately selfish
Get the balance right, get the balance right
You think you've got a hold of it all
You haven't got a hold at all
When you reach the top, get ready to drop
Prepare yourself for the fall, you're gonna fall
It's almost predictable
Don't take this way, don't take that way
Straight down the middle until next Thursday
Push to the left, back to the right
Twist and turn 'til you've got it right
Get the balance right
Becoming a Mom throws off the balance for awhile. Your top priority is caring for your children. Listening to this song on a run with the kids, I finally understood this line: Concerned and caring, help the helpless. But always remain ultimately selfish. You know, that whole take care of yourself so that you can take care of others bit. I realized that it had been too long since I spent money on myself when my friend Jennifer texted me "And please don't wear that same brown dress you've been wearing for the past decade!"
Six months!
With Goldblum in not my brown dress.
I had lost 80 pounds (well, 70 plus the baby but 80 sounds better, doesn't it?) and deserved a few new outfits. I also donated a ton of clothes, you know - the ones that weren't bringing me any joy, like the slightly shiny suit I wore to my first counseling interview. Thirteen years ago.
I haven't been able to run this month because I'm still waiting on the results of my hip MRI. My husband and I also joined the gym and have been going 2-3 times a week. The childcare is so reasonable there: only $10 per child, per month! It's so nice to be able to talk to him without any interruptions. Our time together in between sets is such a luxury that it feels like we're on a date. 

I want to continue to loose and more importantly, reduce my body-fat percentage. I want to build back up more muscle. I am a mom, yes, but that doesn't mean that I give up on myself now that I have two to care for. It's about priorities and aside from continuing to look good for my husband, I want to have energy to keep up with the kids and the health to be with them as long as possible. Working out also boosts my mood. You know water off a duck's back? That's me on days I get a workout in.
This month flew by. There are many things I don't like about living in California, but our weather is not one of them. I took the kids up to the snow one day, and we went to the beach on a whim the next. A had so much fun sledding with GrandpaGlennie that on the way home, she spontaneously said "I love this day!" My Dad and brother are so good to her, and make an effort to spend time with her every week. I can't help but dream of what it would be like if Mom were still here, and how much she would cherish the kids. I try to channel that into the love that I give them. I also try to help her develop my Mom's outlook on life.

In my interactions with A, I try to help her re-frame things that frustrate her to help her develop the amazingly positive attitude that my Mom had. For example, A was very upset that she fell while running on a walk with me. Although she was not physically too hurt, she was crying for a while afterwards. I explained to her that when we get hurt, physically or emotionally, we are building up our strength for the future. It makes us stronger. She just looked at me and didn't say anything, but a few hours later I overheard her telling Trevi "It's okay Trevi - you fall and you are hurt but then you get stronger!" 

Little A comes from a long line of very strong women, and I want her to know this. I want to help her build up the resiliency that I didn't realize I had until well into adulthood. Mom had a sweetness and softness about her, yet she was by far the strongest woman I have ever known. I hope to teach A that being strong doesn't need to equate to being bossy or controlling. The strongest trees are the flexible ones that bend in the wind, not the rigid ones that snap with the slightest breeze. Things don't always go our way, and that's okay. Her faith formation classes help with this too, I believe and it makes me so happy knowing that she will soon start Catholic school, just like Mom did.

Baby C continues to be a dream come true. He still sleeps about 9pm-8am and when he does wake up, he babbles instead of crying. He loves being pushed in the stroller, being worn and especially loves when his sister makes him laugh. He started going in the hot tub this month, and loves splashing and kicking his feet. He has the easiest disposition. 
Being their mom is my life's greatest joy. Sometimes, A will say "You the best Mommy ever!" and it just makes everything worth it.