London Calling - September, 2022

I was 23 and finishing up at my 4-year university; living on my own for the first time. A professor in one of my classes spoke about being a vegetarian, and I decided that this cause was for me. A life-long animal lover, this appealed to me. However, since the professor was teaching a psychology course and not a nutritional course, I interpreted being a vegetarian as eating a ton of carbs combined with a lot of cheese. Cheese enchiladas and pizza became a regular staple. This caused me to gain weight, and suddenly, being a vegetarian was less important to me. But I still wanted to help fight the cause. And so I subscribed to an old-school publication (the kind that comes in the mail) called ActionLine. Each month, a color magazine arrived detailing awful animal atrocities that were taking place across the united states, including pictures of things such as factory farming, animal testing for cosmetics, animals killed for their fur, etc. 

I started to dread the monthly magazine, yet would sit down and read it cover to cover, tears filling my eyes as I diligently wrote my letters to whomever they instructed me to so that they would stop. I felt powerless because, well...I was powerless. I was only one person; what could I really do about it?

So one day, I called up my Dad and asked him what I should do, what I could do. I wanted to change what was happening, to help all the animals in different situations. His answer was something I had not considered and brilliantly simple: "STOP READING IT." 

"What?! But then it's happening, and I'm not doing anything about it!" came my retort.

"Yes, but it's ruining your day. It's ruining your life. Do what you can, when you can, but stop subjecting yourself to this."

And so I did. With my Dad's advice, I threw the publication right in the trash and never looked back. It was so freeing. It doesn't mean that I no longer care about animals. I have done what I can throughout my life to make a positive difference in the lives of animals, and will always continue to do so. From finding baby Isis near death in the bush at a strip mall to fostering dogs, I help where I can, when I can. But the work is positive and rewarding, unlike looking at all those photos, which is a special kind of torture. I think this may be where the saying ignorance is bliss came from. I felt hopeless writing letters to the heads of corporations that would never be read. Instead, helping animals in a very real way does not ruin my day and does not, in turn, affect those around me. 

Fast forward to now. I won't waste my time (and your time) detailing all of the political issues getting me fired up lately (think: protecting our children), but this month, I decided to unfollow every political account on social media. I just stood up, threw the 2022 equivalent of that magazine, ActionLine, in the trash, and started fasting from negativity. Just like I felt so many years ago, I was instantly lighter and happier. We are in control of our happiness, not the political climate or whatever else gets us fired up.

My friend AnnMarie gave me the idea and the nudge when she shared this podcast/sermon with me: Silence Your Negative Thoughts | Peace of Mind: Part 5

I started listening to it on my lunch run. At first, I thought that it was super basic and a review of my undergraduate psychology degree. But then, it started bringing in scripture and the idea of fasting from negativity. The idea that our thoughts influence our actions and life is simple. But this caused me to reflect and ask myself: If it's such a simple concept, why am I not doing it? I'll be sailing through my day, having a great one, and then learn about some ridiculous mandate or law that I can't control, and suddenly, I'm all fired up and certain that while there may be hope for some children, there certainly is not any hope for all children. 

And so, I unfollowed every single political account and had a very pleasant rest of the month, living in a Harry Potter-like snow globe, traveling to London, and reconnecting with my Mom's family across the pond. I delved into some great fiction, started reading the gospels, and loved the heck out of my kids and husband, feeling more present with them instead of ruminating on something beyond my control. Disconnecting from anything political really helped each day feel lighter and more care-free. It doesn't mean that I won't help and be involved when and where I can, similar to fostering dogs, but it is a topic that I am too passionate about. My mood gets hijacked when I'm not expecting it and alters the course of my day in a negative way.

Christ the King Catholic Church in Reading, England. On the same steps where the childrens' grandparents and great-grandparents were married.

London was amazing. It brought me so much closer to my Mom's side of the family, many of whom I met for the very first time. It was such a meaningful trip because the children and I were honored to be in Aunt Anna's wedding. Aut was the flower girl, Cha was the Page Boy, and I was her Matron of Honor. My father and brother went as well, and each did a reading. It was held in the very same church that my parent's were married in, as well as my grandparents. Growing up, I always knew of my Mom's family (5 siblings) in England, but the cost of travel kept us apart. This trip not only re-connected me to them, but helped me realize that I mean much more to them than I ever imagined.

It was our first international trip without Daddy. We almost didn't go because I was worried about all the ways it could end up a disaster! I thought of going by myself, but couldn't bare the thought of being apart from them for that long, nor depriving them of the family connection. Generally speaking, our children are really well-behaved. But when we do see behavior in them, it is almost always when they are tired. And when they're tired and exhibit behavior, Daddy is usually the only one that they will listen to. I'm a big softie, and they know it... even when I try to act tough. I have been known to give in when I shouldn't, inadvertently reinforcing their behavior. And when do I lose my patience? When I'm tired too, of course. All this added up to a myriad of scenarios in my head, all of which were disastrous. But what was I not expecting? For it all to go off without a hitch and for them both to be exemplary.

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS POSTING CONTAINS UNAPOLOGETIC BRAGGING ABOUT MY CHILDRENS' AMAZING BEHAVIOR ALONE WITH ME ON AN INTERNATIONAL TRIP.

But then again, if me bragging about my kids triggered you, you probably wouldn't be here in the first place. We all know that I do more than my fair share of that! Like most moms, I am naturally inclined to think our two tiny humans are amazing. I like to think that they are so well-behaved because my husband and I make such a good team and balance, with me pouring a ton of love and attention into them and with him being a firm shaper of behavior (who also loves the heck out of them). Still, they far surpassed any expectations I had of them.

We landed at Heathrow on Thursday late morning. We had departed Orange County late afternoon and were not flying business class. While the children managed to sleep on my lap for about 4 hours, I did not sleep a wink. We took a train to the Reading station, and then a cab to the DeVer Wokefield Estate and were blown away! Like the children's behavior, it far exceeded anything I pictured. Truly, I felt like we were staying at Downton Abbey (which was filmed about 30 minutes away). The scope and scale of the place was grandiose, and the kids had such a fun time exploring! So did I. There was a slight chill in the air, but the weather was beautiful, with billowy white clouds. 

A mansion house hotel near Reading

There has been an estate at Wokefield since the first house was built in the 1560s for the wealthy Plowden family.  Set in 250 acres of Berkshire parkland, its history is etched in the different architectural features that greet you throughout.

Originally, I was thinking we would nap but we pushed through and it was the best decision. We were all asleep by 8pm, London time, and slept until our alarm went off at 8:30 the next morning. Aut did wake up briefly in the night but went back to sleep. We could have kept sleeping, but didn't want to miss the amazing, free breakfast with a thousand choices! This first night really helped us adjust well to the time change. Our secret? Three milligrams of melatonin.

We had a nice, relaxing day on Friday, swimming and napping. Then, we took a cab into Reading to Christ the King Catholic church for the evening wedding rehearsal. We were finally able to embrace Anna, and see my cousin Carl whom I hadn't seen since he was about 7, and met the groom, Ashley. Then, we entered the church. Stepping through the doors of Christ the King brought with it an actual feeling which I struggle to put into words. A feeling of connection to the past; of closeness and connection to family. In 2015, we met Anna on those very steps, while I was pregnant with Aut. Knowing that this was the same aisle that my parents walked down in 1969 and her parents before her gave me a sense of belonging. My Mom attended the church's attached Catholic school and played in that school yard. Her home was within walking distance, and her first job, at Gillette, was just around the corner. Upon entering, I was so excited to meet my Mom's sister Julie for the first time, and her brothers, Michael and Johnny. 

Being there was all a bit overwhelming and indescribably meaningful. But what do you say to your aunts and uncles when nearly a lifetime has gone by? I started with what I wanted to know the most: "Tell me about Mom! What do you remember?" They were all very young when she married and moved to America but I was surprised to learn from Julie that "Oh, Paula used to tease us, and she would give me a wedgie!" After exchanging a few pleasantries, the Irish Priest arrived (all the way from Galway!) and it was time to start the rehearsal. 

I learned that children and I were to be seated in the front row. Because it was a Catholic Mass, it also meant that there would be a lot of up and down, and it would last quite awhile. I quickly realized at the rehearsal on Friday night that they were going to be fully on display. And, they would both need to walk town the aisle, all eyes on them. What if the morning came and Charles decided not to? Like that one time he was tired and new to soccer practice and flat-out refused to participate or even get on the field?! Unlike with his swimming lessons, I could not hand him off to the instructor in the pool. There was no way to "make" him stay on the field, only consequences after the fact, as there would be no way to "make" him walk down the aisle. Oh boy, I thought. I mean, the children and I being in the wedding was sort of the whole point of the trip!!

The morning came after another night of great sleep, and we stepped across the hall to help Aunt Anna get ready. This trip really helped me realize how important we are to Aunt Anna, and her to us. As mentioned previously, I was hesitant to take them and worried about their behavior without Dad there. But she gently urged me to and I will forever remain thankful that she did. They connected with her so much, as did I. As we were getting ready to go to DeVere, it was decided that the kids would ride with her in the wedding car, which they were so excited to do!

The beautiful Bride, Aunt Anna!

I rode with the photographer and we encountered so much traffic that we were almost late!! The kids were already in position, ready to walk down the aisle, which they did perfectly! They were so good throughout the entire wedding mass that I promised them they could play back at the estate, and that Aut could finally get out of her "itchy dress."

Anna and Ash spared no expense! The nicest wedding I've been to.

The kids made an appearance at the pre-dinner reception and were very impressed. They loved all of the touches, like the display of the drinks in the shape of a heart and loved the live, Irish band: 

We headed up to the room for a bit, and no sooner had I changed Aut out of her dress and let her relax in bed than there was a knock at the door. It was my brother, who was there to deliver the news that the children were being summoned for photos. This is where I thought she might start complaining, but nope! They remained as good as gold! We had a fun time taking pictures (which I cannot wait to see!) before heading to the dinner reception. I was surprised to learn that 1) There were no other children present and 2) We were seated at the head table. Still, the kids were truly wonderful! Anna was thoughtful to have brought them multiple toys to play with, and had placed a lot of yummy candy at our place setting. Again, I was so touched by our placement there. My Uncle Johnny gave a speech, mentioning us which was so touching: 

My Mom's cousin Alan and his wife were also there, whom I had not seen since our wedding. The food was delicious and the reception was so much fun! Uncle Glennie was kind enough to take the kids swimming so that I could visit. While he was gone with the kids, I was sitting watching everyone dance. Then, a friend of the bride crossed the room with a huge smile and her arm outstretched. She pulled me onto the dance floor. I'm definitely a bit self-conscious when it comes to dancing and may not have made the leap without her prompting. I'm so glad I did! When Glen came back, we danced and had the best time. 

Mom's brother Michael is very much an introvert (like me!) and Julie didn't stay too late. But Johnny really opened up about his life and the ups and the downs and how one of his biggest regrets is not coming over to America to see us. It meant so much to me. Whether or not he comes over is not the point. The meaningful part is that he wants to. Like Mom, he fought for the underdog. Instead of in Johnny's case, I mean it quite literally. He told me this colorful, engaging tale of being out at a pub and a group of drunk men were making fun of a disabled man. What did Johnny do? He put on his "geek" classes, acted like he was hunched over, and asked them if they wanted to fight him outside. Unfortunately for them, they laughingly took him up on the offer and he cleaned house. Fought 4-5 of them. Little did they know, he was a professional boxer for years. Have to say, I do love vigilante justice and swift karma and found this quite endearing. "We have to get you to America!" I said. He was so much fun, and I know he would hit it off with my husband.

I did not just connect to my family abroad, but connected to my own brother, whom I see on a regular basis! I had so much fun dancing with him, which I have not done since my own wedding nearly a decade earlier. Anna and Ash paid attention to every detail, and we were so surprised that a ton more delicious food was brought out around midnight! Pizzas, beef kabobs and all sorts of yummy snacks. Glen and I stayed out until about 1am, but there were people dancing until about 4am!   

L-R: My Uncle Johnny, Glen, Me and Cousin Carl

Family

The next morning we had breakfast and said our goodbyes. It was tough to leave everyone, but I am hopeful that they will come stay with us. It would be so fun to take them all around California. After our stay at the DeVeers Estate, we took a cab to the Reading station, the underground, and then another cab to our hotel in London, near Buckingham Palace and the Victoria station. We took the underground with Dad and Glen, but were staying in different areas of London, so we parted ways. The children and I checked into the hotel and walked to Buckingham Palace. I had booked us a tour, but that was cancelled due to the Queen's death and funeral just a few days prior.

Buckingham Palace

The next morning, we took the underground, over-ground and then a charter bus to the Warner Brothers Harry Potter studios, where all of the movies were filmed. The children and I are just beginning to get into the movies but we had an amazing time. The technology has progressed so much in the 10+ years since I've visited even Universal Studios. Our favorite part was going into the goblin bank which was quite impressive, only to turn the corner and find the same bank, being destroyed by a large, realistic, fire-breathing dragon! "This is pretend, Mommy?" Cha stated, trying to double-check and also reassure himself. We had our butter beer and butter beer ice cream and spent so much time there that I realized we would not make it back in time for our boat ride down the Thames. We were still planning to do the hop on, hop off bus but by the time I found the stop, they had stopped taking new riders! Another opportunity for the children to have a meltdown, but they took it in stride. Kids - if your reading this in the future, know that I will always be thankful that you were so good for Mommy on this trip!

 

The next morning we flew home. Dad had thankfully found us business class seats and we really enjoyed it. London left us wanting more, and I hope to return in the next few years. Now that I have an international trip with them under my belt, I have zero qualms about taking them anywhere! Will future trips always be this problem-free? No, but at least I know that they won't be an utter disaster, either. All it took was a little bribery, combined with the threat of Daddy bagging up their room!

This month I also took Aut to her first concert, Kidz Bop, met the legendary Keith Morrison and went apple picking in Oak Glen with the Clarks. We continued to enjoy the pool and the warm weather.

It was a beautiful fall evening in Orange County...or was it?

BEFORE & AFTER

August 2022. I've never worn crop tops!

I never realized how just how much time and energy my thoughts of covering up my tummy were taking up until it was gone. I evaluated nearly every outfit in terms of how much it showed or concealed this problem area, and I wouldn't even think about wearing a bikini. That ship had sailed. But now that my gut is gone, it's indescribably freeing. I can walk into my closet and put on anything I own and feel confident. Before, I would try on multiple outfits, sometimes making myself late because none of them worked. I also did not realize how much your abdominal muscles work to hold in everything. Truly, as my doctor stated, our abdominal muscles act like a corset. Before my surgery, it felt like everything I ate could immediately be detected with the naked eye. I would seriously look at a soda, and my stomach would puff out. Now, I am eating normally (although still much healthier than before), and even when I have a total cheat day (I've had a few), my stomach remains completely flat. It is so strange and foreign to me! Seriously, even when I was 20 and much thinner, my stomach still had a little pouch. It has always been my problem area, and the area any excess weight goes to first.

Before - 2018. While pregnant with him,
I was eating for two: Two grown-a$# adults!
Worried about another miscarriage, I could not enjoy this 
pregnancy as much and turned to food for comfort.

The lower 'before' picture here was right before surgery - after I lost all of the weight. Because my muscles have separated, you can clearly see my Diastasis Recti where everything bulges out.

But while the surgery has been life-changing, I first had to do the work and lose the weight. I went to a consultation for abdominoplasty in the summer of 2021 and was actually told no by the plastic surgeon. "You have too much visceral fat, which will push out and work against you," he said. "You need to be within 10 pounds of your goal weight before surgery is considered." And so I had no choice but to start getting my eating in check. 

2021/2022 - Both pics are pre surgery

2021/2022 - Both pics are pre surgery

The photo on the left is from April of 2021. The photo on the right is prior to surgery, in June of 2022. In the photo on the left, I had ran about 3 miles almost Every. Single. Day. for a year. But clearly, I was eating too much. In the photo on the right, I was running less (3 miles 2-3 times per week) but also eating less. For me, intermittent fasting is the way to go because I have to think about it less. And instead of having to make multiple good/healthy decisions throughout the day (Oh look! Someone brought bagels - should I have one?) I just have to make one: No food until [insert time here]. After baby number two, I started fasting 16 hours and eating in an 8 hour window. This worked at first, as it reined in my eating whatever, whenever, but I stopped seeing results as I had less to loose. For the last 20 pounds, I upped my game to 20/4 for a few months prior to surgery, which I am sticking to now a few days per week, for maintenance. 

I remember taking those before photos above and worrying that there would never be an "after" to compare them to. I uploaded them into a private album and didn't show anyone, not even my husband. I was disappointed and ashamed that even though I was running so much, I was not continuing to lose my "baby weight" and was, in fact, starting to gain some of it back. Since I shared the photos, some of my closest friends have said, "You never looked like that!" And as far as they knew, I didn't. I either didn't post photos that showed my true size or spent a lot of time and energy choosing outfits that concealed it. I never wore tank tops. I decided that it was time to fix things before it was too late. Over time, our daily habits catch up with us, like a snowball rolling down a hill. I can pinpoint when those April 2021 photos started: Post Halloween 2020, when we had a whole lot of full-size candy bars leftover from trick-or-treaters, and I started sneaking one each night before bed when the whole house was quiet and asleep. No one knew, and no one could tell, I told myself, but the snowball was starting to roll down the hill and gather other bad habits. Sneaking a candy bar at night made it much easier to indulge in the free donuts that magically appeared in the breakroom or to have that second helping, followed by dessert. Or to order a 500-calorie coffee. It made it easier to start sneaking the Girl Scout cookies that my daughter was selling, eating almost a whole box one night. Running was becoming more difficult for me with the extra weight; I didn't have the energy with the kids I usually had, and I did not feel as attractive. My mood was not as elevated, because I had this hanging over me. I decided something needed to change because I was worried about to pass the point of no return and giveup. And I knew that it was about much more than just looks or vanity: My quality and quantity of life were in jeopardy if I continued down this path. 

In January of this year, I was still 20 pounds from my goal weight and tried to back out of it, under the guise of helping with finances. "I dunno babe, we just put in a pool so maybe we should wait on my surgery" I told my husband. "Look, I don't think you need it at all, but if you want to get the surgery, now is the time because prices are only going to go up. It's already gone up from last year." Shoot, I thought: It's now or never. And then once we put down the deposit and secured a date, I really didn't have a choice.

I am 3 months post-op now and happy to say that I have finally, FINALLY found the secret to losing weight and keeping it off! The secret is: there is no secret. Much like my husband (who passed nutrition 101 with a D) told me years ago: It doesn't matter what or when you eat; it just comes down to the basic equation of calories in vs. calories out. Nutrition can get complicated with keto, low-carb, whole-30, macro/micronutrients, etc., etc. but it's all about creating a calorie deficit (a 500-calorie deficit per day = about 1 pound weight loss per week) and picking something that you can stick to and live with. We tend to overestimate the calories we burn during exercise and underestimate what we consume. Remember, how we look is 80% of what we are eating and only 20% the result of exercise. It feels like it should be the other way around. Yet you do not even burn enough calories running a marathon even to lose one pound. Let that one sink in. I still remember the day I learned this, and how disappointed I was. 

Even while in weight-loss mode, I still had cheat days, as I do now. But the difference is that if I have a cheat day or even a cheat weekend, I get back to my healthy habits instead of using it as an excuse to start that snowball rolling down the hill. And when I'm on my game, I enjoy the indulgences much more than when I've gone entirely off the wagon, starting my day with a 500-calorie muffin, washed down with a 500-calorie coffee. When I can eat poorly all of the time, it is no longer a treat, and far less enjoyable.

I have one more month until I can do any abdominal-specific exercises, but have been able to start back with weight-training. I'm currently working on gaining muscle and going to the gym 2-3 days per week (a lot of squats and lunges) and also doing some 10-minute workouts at home some mornings (arms, glutes). I still hate running, so I do it on my lunch break, as many days as possible. If I waited until I got home to run or tried to get up early, it just wouldn't happen. Most days, I do not eat until 1 pm, and I try to stop eating around 5 or 6, most days. I walk or hike with the kids and use my swim jet when I can. I try to stick to more whole foods and less processed, when possible, but no foods are off-limits for me. I can still be caught having some of the kids' Kraft mac-n-cheese, unless it's during my fasting window. When I slip up and over-eat and have a cupcake at 9 pm, I move on and start over the next day instead of using it as an excuse and evidence that I can't stick to it. The more success I have, the better I feel, and the more determined I become to stick to it. Success breeds success. I love to eat more than your average person, trust me, and if I can do this, anyone can. I seriously never thought I would wear a bikini again at my age and enjoy it. I feel more confident than I did at 20. 

Not having to use my child as a shield to block my body for a picture: Priceless! 

The surgery was a key component, but only a reward after I did the work of tempering my eating and losing weight on my own. Just like we must temper our thoughts, actions, and words in order to have spiritual fitness, when we find self-control and discipline in terms of what we eat, it brings us more freedom, not less. Reshaping it All, which I highly recommend, gave me a biblical perspective on appetite and self-control. Having both spiritual and physical fitness under control brings a new level of freedom. I feel so much freer, happier, and more light-hearted. And nothing compares to the feeling of being able to walk into my closet and pick out anything I want. I have not experienced that in at least a decade. When I feel good, I am not the only one who benefits from this...everyone around me benefits, especially my husband and kids. 

Someone told me "Wow - you're really happy with your tummy tuck!" And yes, I definitely am; if you follow me on social media, there's no hiding that fact. I would do it again tomorrow, at twice the cost. But I'm more proud of the work I had to do to even be in a position to have the surgery. I'm unsure if I would have been able to lose it without the deadline and commitment of the surgery looming. And, let's face it: If I wasn't sure that I would be able to do it, I might not have. Because as I tell my kids at least once a week, "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right." ~Henry Ford.