16 Months

Baby A turned 17 months on October 26th, so for the majority of the month she was 16 months.

The month started with her first presidential debate. This was also when she learned how to say no, and use it in context. For example, "A, let's go inside the house." A: "No" while turning to walk the other way. It is honestly so cute. The very next morning she woke up and said "No." After a long pause, she said "no" again, for no reason in particular, as if it was her morning greeting. I squeezed her tight and said "No" back and she laughed. It's interesting to me because we never use the word (we use redirection instead...so does daycare) but somehow, she still picked it up! 

She stopped crying as often when I leave for work. This was best evidenced the other morning when I was backing out of the driveway and she was walking on our side yard, distracted by the neighborhood cat, Charles. Although I said bye to her, I was worried she didn't really realize that I was leaving and would burst into tears when she saw me. As I backed out of the driveway, I waved to her. She locked eyes with me and quickened her pace, as I braced myself for the guilt that follows leaving her when she is reaching her whole body toward me and bawling. But she was just blowing me kisses! A huge smile and two kisses blown in the air are what sent me off to work. Swooped up by Daddy and happily in his arms, there were no tears and it was the best start to the day.

Our first weekend of October was much busier than planned. Actually, if I had realized everything that I was going to do at the start of the weekend, I would have ran the other way.

On Friday, we walked to Tustin Tiller Days, our local carnival that we went to last year, and hope to make an annual tradition. She was too short to ride anything except the carousel with me, but had fun walking around in her free adult-sized sunglasses that were handed out for free. On Saturday morning, my husband got up early with her and I went back to sleep until 9am. This is the second weekend in a row that I have done this, and is definitely a side effect of my fertility medication. When I woke up and went out into the living room, it looked like we had been ransacked by thieves. But, she was happily playing and so I was happy. I started prepping some food and packing for our day-trip to Julian. 

It was our first time there, and much farther than we were expecting. San Diego is quite a drive since there always seems to be traffic, and it was still an hour from there. My husband wanted to go to check out some property that is about to be sold for taxes, and we wanted to tag along. The streets were bustling with people and we found a nice restaurant in an old house that didn't have a wait. Sitting down to eat, I let her try some of my lemonade for the first time. One sip, and she put her fingers together and said something that sounded close to "More!" Surprised, told my husband "I think she's learned sign language." While she tapped her finger-tips together repeatedly and said "moe, moe!"

This is the same day she also started saying "Mommy." Actually, it is more like "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" and I love it!

Sunday started off with her Halloween photos at 9am in Garden Grove. We haven't had much time to let her practice wearing her costume, but she still did really well wearing it and smiled for the camera, in true Baby A fashion. On the way home, we decided to stop at Disneyland for a few hours. We rode the monorail in from Downtown Disney, and went on Finding Nemo and the carousel. After nap time, Uncle Glen came for a visit and we went to the pumpkin patch at Irvine Park, before my husband joined us at Islands for an early dinner.

Uncle Glen!

The first week in October was filled with a lot of doctor's appointments for me, and egg retrieval surgery for IVF. I get really nervous about going under anesthesia now that I have her, and the 'associated risks' form I had to fill out asking me if anyone in my family has suffered from malignant hypothermia didn't help. But when I woke up, the first thing I asked was whether or not I had already had surgery, so I guess it wasn't too bad.

Daycare started teaching the kids the color of the week. I love that they have an art activity each morning, which they are now incorporating the color into before they play outside and before lunch. The first week was white and they made white ghosts out of cotton balls. Green was the next week, they made frankensteins using their hand prints.

On 10/11, I was getting her dressed for the morning. She was sitting on my lap, facing away from me when she put her arms up and gave me a backwards hug. It was the sweetest thing ever. I turned her around and she wrapped her arms around my neck even tighter. A real hug! She now gives them when prompted, though kisses are harder to come by. Sometimes my husband will ask her for a kiss and knowing he wants one, she will smile mischievously and turn to give me one. Once in awhile, she will give an unsolicited kiss, like when we are waiting in line at Disneyland and those are the best! 

My husband started a new position at a different high school (same district) so for the second week of October, I started taking her to daycare and also picking her up most days. She did not cry at drop off even once, and this made me feel so good! It only requires me to leave 15 minutes earlier than I was, and I like being able to talk to her care-takers and ask about her day. Plus, picking her up is so rewarding. I search for the look on her face when she first realizes that I'm there. She often lets out a little squeal and comes running or attempts to jump. 

We disassembled her crib, and put in a full-sized bed. I delayed having her sleep in there until I had washed her mattress protector and new sheets (oops, not dry enough...I guess we'll have to wait another night) because I didn't want to give up our co-sleeping! For a few months now, I had been putting her to sleep in the guest-bedroom and because transferring her now woke her up, I was sleeping in there too. And I loved it! But, the first night went really well, in part because she had more room. She slept from 7:45 pm straight through until 6 am! I woke up several times though, checking the monitor to make sure she was okay. I'm so afraid she'll get up and just roam, so I close all of the doors except for hers and ours, and then we have a child latch to keep the hall door closed; the first child-proofing we've needed.

I made her a Nemo pumpkin after she fell asleep, and she was so excited when she woke up and saw him! She said "MoMo" and carried him around, pushed him in her stroller, and wiped his face clean with a wash cloth.

I also started doing some fun skill-developing activities with her each week, like the one below. There's a whole listing here, one for each week of their second year if you're interested.

Toddler game: Sew your ribbons

By Evonne Lack 

A fun activity for your toddler

Your 16-month-old is finding that he can do more and more with his hands and fingers these days (like scribbling, turning the pages of a book, and maybe using a spoon and fork). He'll get a kick out of this rudimentary sewing activity, which requires grasping and pulling. A paper plate and ribbons doesn't sound like much, but you'll be surprised at how much fun they can be!

Good for age: 16 months (but older and younger kids might enjoy it, too!)

Skills developed: teamwork, taking turns, fine motor skills, language

What you'll need: a paper plate, scissors, various ribbons

Cut a small hole in the center of the paper plate. Thread a ribbon a short way through the hole so that just the tip is poking out. Show your toddler how to pull the ribbon all the way through the plate. Once he gets it out, give him some enthusiastic congratulations, and start another ribbon. Describe the ribbons as you work. For example, "Let's try the purple [or long, thick, thin, green, shiny, or polka-dotted] ribbon this time."

After you've done this for a while, try tying several ribbons together to make one long ribbon, and hold the plate for him as he pulls it (he may need to walk or cruise to get the ribbon all the way out). Work on turn-taking by suggesting, "Now it's Sam's turn to hold the plate and Mommy's turn to pull," and see if he'll hold the plate for you while you pull the ribbon through.

Funny, sometimes it's the simplest things in life that are the most fun.

On a less fun note, Baby A had her second dentist appointment and now has a total of 9 teeth, with two additional molars about to poke through. She cried and screamed as her teeth were given a very thorough brushing, cleaning with that pink, gritty paste and even a full flossing! Afterward, she was able to pick out some toys (she chose a car and a pink dinosaur), we made a follow-up appointment for 6 months from now and I left with instructions to brush twice a day for 30 seconds and to also start flossing.

Jump!

On October 15th, we had a 5th birthday party for a friend at the Tanaka Farms pumpkin patch. Going to this patch has become a tradition, as we went with the same group with Mom before we were married and every year since. Baby A practiced her new thing, "jumping." I put it in quotes because she really doesn't get off the ground at all. She puts both arms up and then takes a big marching-like step. 

The third week in October started with a disco/glow party at Pretend City. We have a membership there, and she loves going, but I have never seen her this excited! She was running from area to area, often squealing as she ran! I love watching her explore and interact with other kids. 

That week, we found out that IVF worked and I had a positive pregnancy test. It is still obviously very early, but we started imagining what life would be like with her as a big sister.

That weekend, Grandpa and Uncle Glen came for a visit again. She is having so much fun with them and will now give them a kiss and a hug. My Dad loves spinning her around like an airplane, and she loves it too. She will go up to him when they are in the back yard and ask for it by motioning with her arms. She also loves to show them things, and led my brother by the hand to her playhouse. He crawled right in there and sat with her for quite awhile.

On Sunday, my best friend Andrea and her husband made the long drive to see us. They brought so many Halloween gifts for Baby A, including a huge box filled with goodies from her Mom Jeri. Jeri is so good to Baby A, and in part does it because she was close with my Mom. They also sent things for her last Halloween, but I thought that was because it was her "first" and was not expecting it this year. After opening all the presents, we went to Irvine Park Railroad in the rain. In southern California, it doesn't usually rain for long. We were surprised that it continued sprinkling. After we went out to eat and returned home, Baby A had so much fun standing and walking in the rain on the back patio. Again, she wanted to lead us out in it to join her which we each did in turn. She also loved splashing in the puddles, and didn't want to come in.

Things I do not want to forget about this month:

• Seeing her walk around the house, arms full of multiple objects such as a doll, a stuffed animal and two remotes.
• Watching the lightning and listening to the thunder and rain at 6am on 10/24
• New words: No, Mommy, More, Mooo! (She will do this when asked what sound does a cow make?), Ruff, Baby (pronounced like she has an Italian accent: Bay-BEE), My, Nana, Uh-oh,
• New teeth: Premolar (Bottom right). So she has all of her incisors (8) and missing her canine, and then has a premolar for a total of 9 teeth.
• Calling her Nemo pumpkin "MoMo"
• Picking her up from daycare and somehow deciding that it was a good idea to let her eat her oreo which covered in frosting with a Hershy kiss attached on the way home. When we arrived at Islands, she looked like she was covered in dirt.

Food:

I started adding sauteed spinach and quinoa to her scrambled eggs in the morning, and to grilled cheese when she has it. She will eat boiled broccoli by the handful, but is still reluctant with most other vegetables, though she will eat peas, carrots and green beans.  

I'm (Still) Pregnant: 2nd BETA Results!

On Friday, I had a beta blood test not just confirming I was pregnant, but measuring the amount of HCG in my system. The number was 232. It is supposed to double every 48 to 72 hours. I waited all weekend for my 7:30 am blood test on Monday, hopeful.



All day Monday, I waited some more. Finally, I called the office and my heart sank when they told me that because they sent out the blood-work, results would not be in until the next day.

This morning I received the best news: My HCG number is 842! This is right in the range that it should be, and is a good indicator that it is not a chemical pregnancy because it is growing! It also indicates that it is likely not twins, thought only an ultrasound will be able to tell for sure.

There are so many hurdles to clear each step of the way, but I am elated that we sailed over this one! Next, we look for a gestational sac on the ultrasound (scheduled for Friday!) and, in a few weeks, a heartbeat! At 12 weeks (or, just under 10 weeks from now) we will really be in the clear, as risk for miscarriage drops dramatically and we will have the results of the blood work which will tell us if there is likely anything wrong with it and, the gender!

I am beyond thrilled to be growing our family. There was a point in time I doubted that I would ever be able to be a mother. Now here we are, possibly creating a sibling for Baby A. 

With her, I found out I was pregnant right when Mom was rapidly declining. We heard Baby A's heartbeat the day before Mom died. Mom's funeral was two years ago today. It's not that I didn't enjoy being pregnant with Baby A, I did, but some days she was the only reason I was able to stop crying and look forward.

I'm in a much different place now. I am already enjoying the heck out of this pregnancy and the peace that comes with knowing what lies ahead. Life could not be better right now and I have to say that I think I'm the happiest I've ever been!

I'm Pregnant!

With cautious optimism, I'm sharing with you the extremely early but exciting news that our 3rd IVF worked and I'm pregnant!

We did a three day transfer of three embryos on Saturday, October 8th; the second anniversary of my Mom's death. Two days prior, we learned that we only had 5 that fertilized from the 11 eggs that were retrieved. I was disheartened. Knowing that with our second round, of the 8 that fertilized, only TWO were ready to transfer on day three (the rest were not dividing or had two polar bodies) I was trying to prepare myself for arriving at our appointment only to be told "I'm sorry but...."

We checked in and they gave me an identification bracelet. That is a good sign, I thought, which was quickly countered with It's just a formality; they do that with everyone. We sat and waited. As I was called back, the woman said "The doctor will be in soon to do the transfer!" Shocked, I asked "Oh, I have embryos!? How many?" Immediately unsure and starting to backpedal, she said "oh, umm..I don't actually know. The embryologist is meeting with Dr. Frederick right now to go over the results." Apologetically, she scurried out and quietly closed the door.

When my doctor came in with a huge smile, I immediately knew and exhaled a sigh of relief. But I wasn't expecting her to say that we had THREE! Elated, we transferred all three, which is within the recommended guidelines for my age.

I went home and was on bed rest for three days, something that is much better in theory. And then we waited. And waited. The two-week wait is difficult at best. While I felt hopeful, I would quickly counter that with the fact that we also transferred three for my first IVF and none of them took.

Last Sunday, only 8 days after the three day transfer, I tested. There was the faintest line. The kind of line you could only see at a certain angle, in certain light. It gave me hope. On Tuesday, 10 days after the transfer, I had a line. A very faint one but the beginning of a line. Finally, on Thursday, I took the test above. I sent a picture to my husband who texted back: Trying not to get excited and you are making that hard to do. 

If you haven't gathered, my husband is more of a practical planner than me. While I'm over here shouting it from the roof-tops, he is keeping in mind that it is so early, and 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Also, we did not do genetic testing on our embryos, an additional cost of $5,000. So we do not know if this little embryo has the capacity to continue developing, even in ideal circumstances.

I'm an open person and one of the reasons I don't mind sharing this news so early is because if it turns out to be a chemical pregnancy, I would be really sad and I would want to share that too, as part of my healing process.   

But for now, I'm enjoying it. We're going out to dinner tonight to celebrate my beta blood test which was 232, a "good" number but not looking like multiples. I go back for more blood work in three days, and we want to see that number double or triple. My first ultrasound will be around October 28th, but we won't be able to see a heart beat for one month.

A Beautiful Day: On the Anniversary of Mom's Death

It has been two years today since I lost my Mom, Paula DeWitt. Anniversaries and birthdays are always a pause for reflection, whether you want them to be or not. This year is not nearly as bad as last year was, and I imagine next year will be even easier. Those of you who have lost loved ones know that not being in so much pain is bittersweet, because when the ache is not as acute, you fear you are loosing them. They are now too distant. In a way, you miss that all-consuming loss, as crazy as it sounds. 

But that pain can be replaced with the lifetime of good memories that you have, with some work, and you can still feel close to them instead of moving on. Who wants to move on with a life separate from them anyway? That's exactly what we don't want to do. My Mom is a part of my daily life and everything I do. I am the Mom that I am to my daughter because she was such a nurturing, sweet Mom to me. 

Mom never judged, chided or even questioned me. She was always accepting, patient and kind. She gave me confidence instead of doubt. She had the patience of a saint and was always happy. If she was ever under stress, it never showed. Instead of worrying, she trusted and knew things would work out. She had contagious, genuine laughter. And, she was fun. 

More often than not now, thoughts of her give rise to a warm, happy feeling instead of the sadness that I used to feel. This was not the case a year ago. When I think of her, I now have this comforting feeling that she is everywhere, close to me and looking down. Always present and never far. I can call upon her wisdom and the qualities she possessed and ask myself what she would do in any given situation. She still provides me with both comfort and strength, her gentle strength.

This anniversary of her death has me thinking of how, even in the end, she lived her life with grace and happiness, no matter what came her way. Because she endured what she did without complaining, I feel like I can weather any storm, and I can do so with a smile, like she did.

What she went through, and what I bore witness to has made me infinitely stronger. With all of the fears and appointments and certainty of her prognosis looming, we still had fun.

On this anniversary, I am reminded that it is possible to be facing the terminal diagnosis of a loved one or yourself and still have a beautiful day. Prior to Mom's diagnosis, I never would have believed this. But now I know it to be true. Because we did. And if this is true, it is also possible to be facing just about any news and still have a beautiful day.

The picture above was taken a few months after her terminal diagnosis. It was a warm, sunny, fall day in southern California. She had undergone brain surgery to remove the tumor. I had googled life expectancy. I knew. We had raised money to move her (and my Dad and brother) to Orange County, close to us and close to better treatment, while my husband (then my fiancee) helped fix up and rent their house in Yucaipa. She had another surgery to install a port, and had started her chemotherapy. 

I remember being struck by the fact that she didn't seem sick. She seemed fine. But we knew. On this day, (which I blogged about here) we had gone to an intention Mass for Mom at St. John Neumann, where my husband and I were to be married in just a few month's time. We didn't know it, but that day was a blessing of the sick which they do quarterly. Just like Mom, many of the people in line didn't look sick either.

When Mom went up to the alter, the Priest touched the side of her head that held the cancer with the oil, and made the sign of the cross. The side that she would lose her sight in just a few month's time. As she was walking back to our pew, I could tell she was overcome with emotion, and was crying. This is one of, if not the only, time I saw her cry from her diagnosis to her passing.

But we left Mass that day with a good feeling. A feeling of closeness. Closer to each other, and closer to God. She described the comforting, cleansing feeling she would get as a child after leaving mass or confession and knowing that she was right with God. And I imagine she felt it that day. "I can still remember the smell of wax in the church" she said. She told me again of the Archbishop, John Henry King, who attended mass at her church in Reading, England in 1958. The Archbishop was walking down the aisle, but changed course when he saw Mom. She was with her Mom, in the middle of the pew, and not easy to reach. Several people had to move as he made his way over to my Mom, a child of seven, to offer her a blessing and pray over her. The whole congregation thought it was a very big deal, and would bring it up for years to come.

"That means you have a cross to bear." Mom would grow up hearing my Nana say. "And he was giving you the strength you need." 

What the priest had just done, knowing what side to bless, brought her back to her childhood and that story we both grew up hearing. "Wow Mom, did he do that to anyone else?" I would ask when I was little. "No, just me! Must have been my red hair." She would respond, dismissively. But she knew it meant something.

As we headed back to the freeway, I stopped at a vegetable stand on a whim and we picked up some items for dinner. We saw this sign urging us to "Have a Beautiful Day" and Mom posed for the picture. At first, the sign seemed absurdly paradoxical, mocking us. But then I remember distinctly thinking to myself "You know what? It is a beautiful day." In spite of the fears, in spite of everything looming, it was a good day. And I shared this with Mom and she agreed, saying "So many people are much more unhappy over so much less."

And I'm reminded now, three years after the picture was taken, that if it was possible for us to have a good day then, it is possible for every day to be a beautiful day, no matter what life throws our way. 

This is not to say that I don't get down or bothered by petty, insignificant things. By toxic, unhappy people or the stress of a busy day. I still fall prey to that, but now it is fleeting and temporary. I can see the bigger picture and I am much quicker to put it in perspective and shrug it off. To turn the other cheek. To smile and remain silent, like she did. Or trust and know that everything will be okay.

For those of you wondering about our doctor's appointment today and an update with our third round of IVF, we were surprised and delighted to learn that we had 3 embryos. Three! I'm going to be uncharacteristically reticent here and just say that you'll have to wait and see what we decided to do with them and the outcome.

Until then, I'm just trusting that it's all going to work out how it is supposed to, and remind myself that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. 

Thank you for reading something so close to my heart.

Love,
Megan

Egg Retrieval and IVF Update

Last week, my scans were showing 11 follicles. I went in for egg retrieval on Wednesday morning 10/5 and was a bit disappointed to be told as soon as I came out of anesthesia that they had retrieved 8. 

Yesterday, we anxiously waited all day for an update on those 8. At the end of the day, I was sent this email:

Hi,
Out of 8 eggs, 7 were mature and 5 fertilized. Please be in Newport office suite 130 on 10/8/2016 at 10am. Dr. Frederick will review/update then and possibly do the transfer.

My heart sank. Five? What happened to the others? Perhaps they weren't normal, as egg quality is an issue for me. They certainly would have fertilized if they had the capability, because they used ICSI.

For our first IVF, 7 were retrieved and we had 3 on day 3.
For our second IVF, 10 were retrieved. Of those, 8 were mature and all fertilized. Yet still, on day 3 we only had 2 that were normal. The other six had two polar bodies or were not dividing/replicating. Two, from 8. That means that 5 could give us...none.

But we just need one good embryo.

And so, we wait. Our little embies will not be checked on today. We will not know until our appointment tomorrow if we have any. Yes, there is a very real possibility that we will not have any. Many people have left encouraging comments on my instagram and had several embryos with similar numbers. But my history has me nervous. 

But as worried as I am, I am also an eternal optimist. Already seaching Pinterest for pregnancy announcements that include the big sister.

It's the Great Pumpkin Cake...

...Charlie Brown! My daughter is 16 months old, so she doesn't grasp the idea of holidays just yet. But that's not going to stop me from diving right in and continuing traditions that I grew up with, or starting new ones that I know she will love. 

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is a TV special from 1966 and book that I plan to show her this Halloween season and for many years to come. We have a large, inflatable pumpkin and ghost in our front yard that she loves to turn on every afternoon and watch it inflate. She also loves to give the "ghostie" a high five and will touch the pumpkin already placed on our doorstep when prompted.

In this posting, I'm sharing with you a pumpkin cake I made recently. In years to come, I hope to make it for her, having it appear before or after we watch the special. With Pinterest, it's hard, if not impossible, to come up with something new. One search of "pumpkin cake" yields pages of results. The pumpkin shape is easily created by putting two bundt cakes together, but almost every posting creates the stem in a different way. 

Many cakes I found involved making the stem out of frosted green mini-muffins pilled in the center, or by using an inverted ice cream cone. I could tell that they had Pinterest-fail written all over them, especially once I attempted them. Instead, I followed one that called for the top of a small pumpkin with the stem, as the stem.

It was easy, and I used the body of the pumpkin to serve the ranch dressing for the vegetable plate in. If you don't know already, serving vegetables cancels out any calories that come with eating cake.

The cake was super moist, but I sure had a lot of it leftover. If you're not going to be feeding a small army, I would cut the recipe I used in half and use smaller bundt cake molds. Enjoy, and please check out the other blogs in this blog-hop for craft, recipe, DIY or printables based on other kid's Halloween books! 

Halloween Pumpkin Cake

Ingredients

• For the cake:
• 2 boxes yellow cake mix 
• 1 (30 oz/425 g) can pumpkin
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup (60 ML) vegetable oil
• 4 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
• 2 teaspoons cinnamon

Instructions

1. For the cake -
2. Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease two bundt pans. Set aside.
3. In large bowl, place all cake ingredients. With an electric mixer on low, beat until ingredients are combined. Turn speed up to medium and beat for 1 1/2 minutes. Pour the batter in equal amounts into prepared bundt pans. Bake cakes for 35-45 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into middle of cake comes out clean. Let cakes cool completely.

Original recipe found over at Mom Loves Baking. She has a great recipe for the frosting, but in the interest of time I purchased whipped cream cheese frosting and added red and yellow food coloring.

This post is part of the Kid's Halloween Books Blog Hop hosted by Beyond Mommying. Check out all the other great posts and follow along with #HalloweenKidsHop.